September 27, 2012
My dear friend Cara and I had coffee this morning. Surrounding
myself with people I love is what I have to do. I can't survive otherwise. I
haven't eaten in days, and while I don't recommend divorce to anyone,
its a hell of a diet, 10 pounds in less than a week. At least something good is
coming out of this. Cara is one of my friends who helps me to remember to be
true to myself. A few months ago my husband said I couldn't get a puppy. Cara
said "What kind of asshole wont let you get a puppy, you should divorce
him." Those words come back to haunt me, but in a good way. Why didn't I
just go and get one? I had a yard, I had time. But I also had a controlling
husband. Why did I turn into one of those girls that let a guy tell her what to
do? I am not that girl. I also did my first independent thing today. Cara and I
went to the bank and I opened my own checking account. I didn't have money to
put in it, but its a start. Its my own.
Throughout the start of this divorce process people keep yelling
in my ear, do this, don't do that. I don't even care. All I want is my
independence back. I have always been to stubborn to take help from anyone, or money from a man. I have always done my own thing and somewhere along the way, I lost that when I got married. I don't need a man. I need me. I am a
fighter, I am a survivor and I am weak right now, but God is strong for me.
Every day I pray for God to be near me. I ask for wisdom an courage and
strength. There is a verse in the Bible that sticks with me every day. It is
psalms 34:18. 'The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are
crushed in spirit'. Throughout the past 6 days, I have been crushed and
confused and hurt and torn. I have somehow been peaceful though. I know that is
God. There is no way a woman in my position would be able to stay sane
otherwise. My brother Dathan is the go to guy for knowing anything and
everything about the Bible. He studied in it, majored in it, and lives it
daily. When he found out about the divorce he started reading scriptures to
make me feel better. He also said " DeAnna, your amazing and your husband
is not." Thanks twin brother for making me feel good. I LOVE YOU!
In August (When my husband knew about this divorce coming up) that
butt had asked me if I wanted a parking pass to my car. I said no because we
carpool and could save the money. Today I went and got my own parking pass. It
was $336 dollars.He was mad once again. But doesn't he need to help me out a
little? Geez. After that I am pretty sure he cancelled my debit card. I
am so upset that he could be married to me and supporting me through school and
then the next day be like, Sorry i'm done.
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