October 3,2012
I am strong. I am so sick of people telling me to run home to my
mom and dad an just give up on this life I have created. Sure I created it with
ex-hole -but I have friends, memories a job and a life here. I can't just run
from it. I have been looking at my future plans. I really need to graduate.
That is priority number 1. I also need an adventure. I have always wanted to
live in Europe. I am too old and have too much family and friends to run
to a foreign country and never return. But, I think a summer abroad would be
good for my soul.I have been thinking Spain. I always wanted to
learn Spanish. I am good at speaking it, and understanding it, but to be
fluent would be amazing.
I had lunch today with my granny and papa. They are the sweetest
people. They took me to Denny's and made sure I was eating a lot. I have
already lost 12 pounds in this dang divorce. (Again trying to be positive).
I spent the whole day with my little loves-the kids I nanny. I have been
watching them for 5 years. Can you believe how time flies??? They make my
worries go away an make the world seem so simple.While playing monopoly
tonight, Anna collected all three of the orange colored properties. It made her
day. Ahh the simple things in life that bring me back to earth. I wish I could
get excited about something so small. Instead I am worrying about my
future/bills/credit/divorce/life! I heard this song on the radio coming
home. I hope all the little loves in my life never have to deal with the pain
and heartache that I am dealing with.
October 4, 2012
Tonight I started packing up all of my stuff in the kitchen. So
much stuff I have and now it is just going to sit in storage. Ex-hole came home
and we started joking about who is keeping what. We were laughing and teasing
one another. He was back, the guy I used to know. It only lasted a minute, but
there he was. I could see pain in his eyes and I could for a minute, see the
man I love. I told him that I forgive him for doing this to our marriage
an to me, and that I am not angry. My sister told me that God said we are only
suppose to carry anger for a day, and then give it to God. I have no anger
toward my ex for what he did. I will let God deal with it in his own way. I am
learning to forgive an let go. I have no hate toward him in my
heart whatsoever Its done, it's gone and I will continue to pray for
him every day and pray for the man he will turn out to be and pray that he
never causes any other woman the pain that I have had to feel.
The thing about pain is, that I have experienced so much of it.
When I was young, I had so many relatives die. My cousin Kaci died when I was
5, then my grandma the next year, followed by more grandparents in the years to
come. I was blessed to be born with most of my great grandparents and all
of my grandparents, and both of my parents come from divorced homes, so you can
imagine how many I have had. I have grieved many losses. My friend getting hit
by a car when we were little, another friend being killed when we were 16 in a
car accident. Loosing another friend to cancer. Death is such a part of
life for me. Some people that I talk to say that they have never even been to a
funeral. I am wondering more and more if God has allowed me to have this pain
and knowledge of death my whole life so that I can help others. I just got
offered a position working with children as a grief counselor. I think that
with everything I have been through, I will be able to relate to them and help
them get through the tough days that they face. God must know what he is doing
up there :). Without going through all the loss in my life, I wouldn't have the
empathy or the heart or compassion to work in this field that I am in.
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