Butterfly

I saw this picture and fell in love with the quote. It's so true when you think life is ending. A beautiful new beginning happens. And it's better than you could have ever imagined

Goodbye 2012

I'm laying awake not able to sleep tonight and all I can think about is how badly I want to go fishing. I love the silence of fishing and the sport of it. It's so peaceful and relaxing and being outdoors is good for me. I just wish I could forget problems and go fishing That's where life is easy.

I found out some stuff about exhole this weekend that really bothered me. Basically stuff I knew in my heart was true all along prove to be true. I am mostly just bothered that I was fooled. Yesterday my friend Ashley said that I only ever see the good
In people and that's why I always get fooled and screwed over. I want to believe that everyone is good and there isn't hate in people. Unfortunately people have a lot more bad in them than I thought. I don't understand how you could love someone. Marry them and then under their nose be the biggest snake and vindictively try to hurt them in every way possible- especially when all I ever did was love. I had a chance to leave my ex a month before we were getting married. Another guy said he hated Exhole so bad and thought he was a snake and said he knew I was making the wrong choice. He said he could tell why kind of person he really was and that I should leave. Of course I didn't though because when you are young and in love you follow your heart. I don't regret anything from my marriage because I know that I did nothing but love and be a good wife,friend and person. I loved everyday and would have worked on a marriage because I believe that a marriage is something you don't give up on. I know from majoring in family studies that the two years are the hardest and thats when most people leave. Next time around i marry a guy with integrity and character...someone who knows the value a marriage and a vow. What i have learned though is that it takes two people to get married and only one to end a marriage

With the new year coming I am looking back on the past year and what I have learned,how I have grown and the relationships I have experienced.

Thoughts from the year and things I have learned:
-don't marry a guy who travels for work
-make your own money and don't rely on anyone-even if you are married. Set up your own account. Have your own funds and be in control of your finances.
-it is possible to find love after heartache...this is a tricky one. But I am lucky to be blessed with a big heart and even luckier that there is a guy with an amazing heart - even if things weren't to work out- im thankful for him
-you really do find out who will be there for you during tough times- and you find out who wont be there. I'm thankful that my divorce strengthened so many friendships
-I don't think my ex is a bad person for divorcing me. People get divorced all the time. I think he is a bad person for the way he did it and the way he was plotting it for so long in order to screw me
-you find out how strong you can be during trials. And it's really exciting to see possibilities in life
-karma really does exist
-I didn't learn this because I have always known it. But trusting in God and having faith puts you at ease. I just need to remember to let go and let God a little more often
-I always loved being a hopeless romantic and I really thought the divorce would shatter that. But I know that being a hopeless romantic means no matter what situation I am
In I will find love and Romance. As much as I wish I was logical and looked at love from every angle(to avoid heartache)- I Love jumping in and being head over heels. Now I just have to make sure I find a guy as crazy about being in love as I am. They say the greater the capacity for love. The bigger the heartache. I would rather have a big love story thy ends in heartache...than to settle for mediocre.



Since September 20 which was when my ex dropped the bomb. I have aged and grown more than most people do in years. I have been stronger than I thought I could be and I have learned a lot about myself. I have also learned about people. I have seen how much of a blessing life is when you turn bad into good and give to God- since the divorce and giving to God I have found an awesome job making way more money than I ever have hadwhen i was married. I graduated and passed my classes. As hard as it was to focus on school..I did it. I became a volunteer worker at church and got involved with an awesome group of girls. I have a better work ethic and i am so much more energized and happier- If I was married this semester and didn't experience what I did- I may have never branched out and realized some amazing things about myself.

I am really good of letting go and forgetting about stuff. I was hiding onto one last thing from my marriage. A book that meant a lot to me. I decided to let that go today.... I now have nothing from my marriage or my past with him and I am carrying over to the new year nothing from the past with him.

I am so ready for 2013. I am excited to see what I am writing about and looking back on in a year from now. I have a feeling it's going to be the best year yet

Goals for the year;
-bump my savings acct up to $20,000
-get a house
-road trip with sister
-finish my book
-internship at hospital or grad school- wherever The Lord leads me :)
-Do a half marathon (Ashley we better start training!)
-white water rafting with dad
....I'll write more as they come:)

Graduation and Christmas

Yay I graduated!!!!! What an amazing journey it was to get where I am. Graduation day started out rainy and cold. And of course I was stressing about my fro popping up but another family studies girl spotted me and shared her umbrella. Me and Kristen sat by each other and pretty much just enjoyed the day. It was a good feeling being in a room with your peers and knowing you have all worked your butts off to get to that place. My family was there to support me as well as my friends. My favorite moment was When the dean was speaking and I heard Kyla shout out "be quiet!" haha love that little bug. I am
Actually surprised I made it trough the semester. But having a good family and amazing friends pushing me helped so much. Now I just need to figure out if I want to do child life or counseling. Giving it to God and seeing what happens.

I went down to safford for Christmas and it was so nice to have all of my siblings and in laws and niece and nephews under the same roof ( and patents :). No matter how big our family gets there will always be room at my parents house.favorite thing ever.... I got brenden the cutest little snow suit. I just hope he gets a chance to use it before he grows any more. He needs to stop growing because he is growing like a weed and going to fast. Kayden and kyla really enjoyed those baby cousin. It was a blast having them all
There. I spent some time with
Bryan and his family during the break as well as with some Tucson friends and safford friends. It was just a relaxed Christmas this year. No rushing to a million different houses for quick hellos. It was good. I got my dad a u of a hoodie and my mom some
Perfume and a coffee mug. Dawnie got a bible case and devotional book from me. I got a womens study Bible from Bryan...my family got me Some
Perfume..Earrings and a shirt to name a few things....
happy birthday Jesus!It was a good one this year.

Live before you die

Today on the news the anchor said "what if today really was the last day on earth". (If the myans are right, tomorrow the world would end) It got me thinking. If today really was my last day, who woul I spendd it with? what would I say to people? what would I eat? Would I run around preaching to people?

Well...hypothetically....if it was my last day on earth, here is what I would do and what i am going to do.

I would spend the day with my family. Which i really am going to do today. I am spending the day with my sister. Realistically if i knew it was my last day i would get all my family together in a cabin in the mountains and we woul just play card games and hang out. I woul eat mexican food all day, my granny's mexican food. I would also drink coffee with caramel creamer all day, yes, even with my mexican food. Since i cant get the family together in a cabin today and can't have my grannys mexican food...I am drinking caramel coffee for breakfast an tonight I will go get mexican food with my sister.

What would I tell people if it was the last time talking to them?
I would tell my family how much I love them and that they are my rock and that I think we are the best family ever. Growing up an seeing all the other families out there really puts into perspective how amazing we all are.I am so blessed to have a family that loves unconditionally and is always there for one another. I would tell all of my friends individually how much they mean to me. I woul love without being afraid to get hurt and I would also spend a lot of time in Prayer.

Maybe I will try and do all of these things anyway because really, God only knows when our last day is not us. So remember to live each day like its your last. Tell people how you feel. Forgive. Love deeply. Spend time with people who matter to you. \\


Do what you want everyday. Don't waste time being angry or mad. Do something for yourself every once in awhile. And above all. Just love.

Random pics :)

How old am I?

I forgot how old I was today. I had to sit and think for a minute and then count years from when I was born. I am 25. Some days I feel old and worn out and other days I feel silly and young. Most of the time I feel really young and can't believe how lucky I am with the life I have had. I have traveled all over, lived in New York and spent a good amount of Time in school.
When I was little my dad told me not to get married until I am 30. Now I know why. There is so much time i in life. Time to do what we really want. And see what we want to see.

Fear of change and learning to adapt

Change of place to live-easy peasy
Change of job-more money! Loving it
Change of last name- sounds better
Change of man in life-SCARY As heck

Throughout my friend Aprils divorce,she found a Very special person that she calls her VIP. This person had a similar situation to hers and through both of their hard times they bonded in the kind of friendship that can only be formed when two people are experiencing the same kind of Hurt. I am lucky enough to say that I too have found a VIP. My VIP is also going through a divorce that was out of his control. We've gotten to be very close friends and I am thankful for that. It's amazing how I can know someone
For a few months and at times have more special moments and deeper
Conversations than I ever did with my husband. It's hard to fall for him though-. My heart is very guarded and I Know his is too. But I know God puts people in our lives for a reason and I am so glad he is in mine right now.

I have been on a few dates since the divorce. Dating world is not so
Awesome. Sitting across
From someone at dinner trying to get to know them enough to see if they are worthy of a second date has so far felt like an Interview process. Other than my VIP- I am left bored and
Not caring if the person even calls again.
When thinking about being in a committed relationship. I panic. Even having a guy put his arm around me gives me Anxiety. I am terrified to get
Close because getting close means the chance of getting hurt and I cannot afford to get hurt again-
Not yet anyway. I look to my friend April for advice because she too has had this situation. Here is why she said to me "You have to trust Deanna its so hard. But you either will let it be what its gonna be or push it away." I just don't know when to or how to trust. I don't know how long it will take or when to even start trusting. Do you give someone trust until they screw up and loose your trust? Or do they have to earn it first? And if so how do
They earn it?

Dating world is going to take some
Adapting too. I don't even remember how to date. And now that texting is big as well as Facebook.(it wasn't 6 years ago when I was in dating world). I don't know the protocols. When texting is appropriate and what Facebook protocols to use. It's all apparently a big deal,according to some, in dating world. I guess it's another thing I will learn as I go along

10,000 Pictures

So I am in the process of uploading all of my pictures on my computer onto snapfish, that way I can wipe my computer clean and give it away. I have all the pictures from 2007-now. I didn't think it would be that hard, but right now as I got to the year 2011 and I saw all of the pictures of me and ex-hole picking out our first home and furnishing it-was really hard. I remember when we got our front loading washer, we sat on the laundry room floor and just watched it, amazed at how little water it used. We did so many cute random things like that together. I hate seeing all of these pictures. I hate looking at his smile and wondering what he was thinking behind his fake smile.I just saw a picture of our Christmas tree in our first home nestled all snug in the corner of our staircase and it  made me tear up. I took all of the Christmas decorations when I left. I wonder if he will get his own Christmas tree this year. Probably not, decorating for the holidays was always my thing and what I got excited for. I never thought we had that many pictures, but as I am uploading them, I realized that we have a lot. Close to 10,000. 10,000 memories that will be forgotten  10,000 smiles, and pictures of a home that will never be ours. Part of the healing process is remembering. I have buried him in my mind and will not think of him or try to imagine what he is doing, what he is thinking...etc. but remembering memories is good. Its helping me heal. Helping me to remember one last time. I am slowly getting over the pain of this divorce. As strong as I am and try to be, there are hard days and days that I have a hard time getting out of bed. The other day I had to say to myself "get up and get going". Writing has really helped me get through it and some days I can go a day without thinking about it, other days are harder. I know that with time, I will be back to 100 percent. Although I do feel like this pain has fueled me in another way. I feel more energized to do good, be good, be a better friend and person. For that, I am grateful.

Congrats!

I don't know what was in the air today, but for some reason stuff that makes me think of my past keeps popping up. Starting with the bank playing "unchained Melody." ( My song for My Husband), to seeing my old couch throw pillow on a tv commercial. little things all day kept reminding me of the past. so annoying, although those were some cute pillow and I do love unchained melody. The next time i pick a song for a guy, I am gonna make sure the guy deserves it. This past weekend, my friend Cara had told me about another friend who got a divorce ring when her and her husband separated. I decided that this was a good idea, So i found an $8 David Yurman knockoff ring (the real one costs $1200) at Kohls as my divorce ring. Although it has started to turn my finger a little green, I love it! Check out my pic of it below!

I was browsing through facebook tonight and came upon one of my friends wedding albums , and I had a really hard time not crying thinking back to my own wedding. I can't look at all of my own wedding pics yet. Too soon for me. But my friends wedding was so beautiful that I could not help but smile for them and be happy for them and wish them the best, and pray for their happiness. AND THEN TONIGHT >>>>>>LIKE 5 MINTUES AGO! One of my very best NY friends, Ambre got engaged!!!!!!!!!! I could not be more happy for her and the journey she is about to have with her FIANCE an soon to be HUSBAND :). Love saying those word. I am a hopeless romantic, and even though I have had my heart broken, ripped out and jumped on... I still believe in TRUE love. I believe that I had love and that one day, some day I will find TRUE love. I am so happy that Ambre has found it. She is going to be the most beautiful bride and have such a good life and I know that her love story will have a happy ending. Congrats Ambre and Scott! Love ya!


Last night Obama won Presidency again. I have to say, I am not a hater or a lover-he is an individual, a husband a father and a son. Don't hate him, there are a lot of people making decisions in Washington. If you are upset about it, Pray and do what you can in your own local governments to see the change you want, and if you are happy that he is President, that's great too! Respect the position and the people, throwing around hate has never got anyone anywhere. I think this whole election has gotten blown way out of proportion. People are shouting that the world is going to end, while others are thrilled. Honestly, if we live our day to day lives wisely and in prayer, we will all be okay. The world will not end because of one man. If Romney won people would be shouting the same thing. Its done, its happened so live with it. Facebook rants are getting a little ridiculous and I have more important things to worry about. Like my paper that is due tomorrow that I still haven't done. eek better get on that!!

Life :)

What a good few weeks it has been. I am finally out of my house. I said goodbye to it on a cold morning when my beautiful fuscia flowers were blooming in the back yard. They bloomed just to say goodbye to me :) or I would like to think so anyway. I've spent a lot of the past few weeks going through all of my belongings and figuring out what I really need in life. I am downsizing from a walk in closet and two story house into a tiny cozy place. So a lot of stuff is being put into storage or donated. I have decided to donate everything from my past relationship. Well- Everything that wasn't burned :) And let my trash be someone else's blessing. It was hard to let some stuff go. But...I can't move forward with thinks that were once part of my love for someone else. I had a hard time donating a beautiful scarf from China. But then I remembered that China Is where my husband decided to stop loving me. And it was easy to get rid of. I now have only one thing that he ever gave me (besides my ring. Still haven't figured out what to do with that). I kept a book with a message he wrote. And I am going to hang on to it for awhile. And when I am ready. I will let that go too.

The past few weeks have been filled with friendships and love of my family. I realized the other day that I hadn't let myself be alone for quite some time. And I think that's good. I don't want to be alone quite yet. Although with the Lord walking with me and a lot of the time lately-carrying me. I know I am truly never alone. Today in church a song came in and the lyrics said "I'm running to your arms Lord". When I heard this I though of my happy place and pictured me as a little girl running into the arms of my Heavenly Father". It's a good place to be.
I have been taught that when we can't handle a situation or we are sad we are suppose to go to a happy place. My happy place is a place I dream about sometimes. Whenever I go to my happy place my grandma Beverly is there hanging laundry on the line or picking fruit in an orchard in a huge field with a giant mountain in the background. You may think I'm crazy
but it's what I picture Heaven to be like

I hung out with another guy today for the first time since the divorce. Not a date or anything. Just a guy who is a friend. And I felt so guilty like I was cheating on my husband and then. I realized: 1: I am divorced (almost)2:this guy is a friend and you are not even on a date 3: if it was a date it would be okay. I wonder when that feeling of being guilty or like i am cheating will go away. The whole time we were hanging out I found myself comparing him an everything he did to my ex. Is that normal?? I saw a tree with someone's initials carved into them and about lost it remembering that somewhere on Mt. Graham my initials are carved into a tree next to my ex husbands, but I held my composure. It's little things like that- they get me like a slap in the face and I never know when they are coming. I have learned it's okay to cry and heal like a normal person. my friend Sarah was crying so hard for me about my divorce and I told her to stop crying. She told me I don't always have to be so strong :). But sometimes I can't help it. I am just a tough stubborn cookie.

For halloween this year i was suppose to carve pumpkins with a friend but we are dorks and went to buy pumpkins on Halloween night. The whole city was sold out. We even called stores desperately trying to ind some. So Instead we made a girls night out of it an just chatted about life and love and everything in between. I also got a cute Halloween package from my aunt and got to wear my super awesome skull socks. Good choice aunt t. I am obsessed with skulls lately. Check out the awesome pumpkin my nephew made. That kid is the cutest! and on a side note... this week me and Kristin finally got our caps and gowns for graduation in December! Whoop! So excited!


Since its the beginning of the month. I wanted to make a new goals list:
-finish classes strong
-save money
-no soda,caffeine,alcohol
-finish uploading all pics to snapfish
-Be happy and thankful everyday!

Life is happening whether I am happy or not and I CHOOSE to be happy an surround myself with happy people. I love my life and my God and my friends and my family. I am learning new things and meeting new people and I really think I am starting to see life in a different way than ever before.

Buried

Its almost been a month since the news of divorce hit me. I can't believe how fast time flies. My husband left for another trip today, and I am certain it is the last time I will see or talk to him for a very long time. I gave him a letter and for me that letter was letting go of what we had. It is dead. Time for the funeral. Little by little over the last month I have let go of pieces I had of him and our life together. Reliving memories and slowly packing up my beautiful home. I will bury those memories deep in my heart and maybe one day pull them out again. I will not hold any grudges or anger but look at the past as a time of learning and know that I am lucky enough to have experienced young love. I am ready to move on now to bigger brighter things. I am ready to find out whats out there in the world again. I am scared and excited at the same time. When I was 18 and moved to NYC I was terrified, but so excited and sad to leave what I knew in my hometown. I am feeling that same way today. I am scared, but in an excited good way. I have had dreams I always wanted to accomplish but put them on the back burner when I got married. Those dreams are now going to be my priority. I am not going to miss my husband, Its hard to miss someone who doesn't love you, and who you have buried in your mind. From now on I am going to write about my experiences and my daily life, and not about him or what we had. When I was 15 I wrote a letter to myself guessing where I would be in 10 years. Part of the letter said I would be at U of A. :) I'm glad some of my dreams came true.