10,000 Pictures

So I am in the process of uploading all of my pictures on my computer onto snapfish, that way I can wipe my computer clean and give it away. I have all the pictures from 2007-now. I didn't think it would be that hard, but right now as I got to the year 2011 and I saw all of the pictures of me and ex-hole picking out our first home and furnishing it-was really hard. I remember when we got our front loading washer, we sat on the laundry room floor and just watched it, amazed at how little water it used. We did so many cute random things like that together. I hate seeing all of these pictures. I hate looking at his smile and wondering what he was thinking behind his fake smile.I just saw a picture of our Christmas tree in our first home nestled all snug in the corner of our staircase and it  made me tear up. I took all of the Christmas decorations when I left. I wonder if he will get his own Christmas tree this year. Probably not, decorating for the holidays was always my thing and what I got excited for. I never thought we had that many pictures, but as I am uploading them, I realized that we have a lot. Close to 10,000. 10,000 memories that will be forgotten  10,000 smiles, and pictures of a home that will never be ours. Part of the healing process is remembering. I have buried him in my mind and will not think of him or try to imagine what he is doing, what he is thinking...etc. but remembering memories is good. Its helping me heal. Helping me to remember one last time. I am slowly getting over the pain of this divorce. As strong as I am and try to be, there are hard days and days that I have a hard time getting out of bed. The other day I had to say to myself "get up and get going". Writing has really helped me get through it and some days I can go a day without thinking about it, other days are harder. I know that with time, I will be back to 100 percent. Although I do feel like this pain has fueled me in another way. I feel more energized to do good, be good, be a better friend and person. For that, I am grateful.

Congrats!

I don't know what was in the air today, but for some reason stuff that makes me think of my past keeps popping up. Starting with the bank playing "unchained Melody." ( My song for My Husband), to seeing my old couch throw pillow on a tv commercial. little things all day kept reminding me of the past. so annoying, although those were some cute pillow and I do love unchained melody. The next time i pick a song for a guy, I am gonna make sure the guy deserves it. This past weekend, my friend Cara had told me about another friend who got a divorce ring when her and her husband separated. I decided that this was a good idea, So i found an $8 David Yurman knockoff ring (the real one costs $1200) at Kohls as my divorce ring. Although it has started to turn my finger a little green, I love it! Check out my pic of it below!

I was browsing through facebook tonight and came upon one of my friends wedding albums , and I had a really hard time not crying thinking back to my own wedding. I can't look at all of my own wedding pics yet. Too soon for me. But my friends wedding was so beautiful that I could not help but smile for them and be happy for them and wish them the best, and pray for their happiness. AND THEN TONIGHT >>>>>>LIKE 5 MINTUES AGO! One of my very best NY friends, Ambre got engaged!!!!!!!!!! I could not be more happy for her and the journey she is about to have with her FIANCE an soon to be HUSBAND :). Love saying those word. I am a hopeless romantic, and even though I have had my heart broken, ripped out and jumped on... I still believe in TRUE love. I believe that I had love and that one day, some day I will find TRUE love. I am so happy that Ambre has found it. She is going to be the most beautiful bride and have such a good life and I know that her love story will have a happy ending. Congrats Ambre and Scott! Love ya!


Last night Obama won Presidency again. I have to say, I am not a hater or a lover-he is an individual, a husband a father and a son. Don't hate him, there are a lot of people making decisions in Washington. If you are upset about it, Pray and do what you can in your own local governments to see the change you want, and if you are happy that he is President, that's great too! Respect the position and the people, throwing around hate has never got anyone anywhere. I think this whole election has gotten blown way out of proportion. People are shouting that the world is going to end, while others are thrilled. Honestly, if we live our day to day lives wisely and in prayer, we will all be okay. The world will not end because of one man. If Romney won people would be shouting the same thing. Its done, its happened so live with it. Facebook rants are getting a little ridiculous and I have more important things to worry about. Like my paper that is due tomorrow that I still haven't done. eek better get on that!!

Life :)

What a good few weeks it has been. I am finally out of my house. I said goodbye to it on a cold morning when my beautiful fuscia flowers were blooming in the back yard. They bloomed just to say goodbye to me :) or I would like to think so anyway. I've spent a lot of the past few weeks going through all of my belongings and figuring out what I really need in life. I am downsizing from a walk in closet and two story house into a tiny cozy place. So a lot of stuff is being put into storage or donated. I have decided to donate everything from my past relationship. Well- Everything that wasn't burned :) And let my trash be someone else's blessing. It was hard to let some stuff go. But...I can't move forward with thinks that were once part of my love for someone else. I had a hard time donating a beautiful scarf from China. But then I remembered that China Is where my husband decided to stop loving me. And it was easy to get rid of. I now have only one thing that he ever gave me (besides my ring. Still haven't figured out what to do with that). I kept a book with a message he wrote. And I am going to hang on to it for awhile. And when I am ready. I will let that go too.

The past few weeks have been filled with friendships and love of my family. I realized the other day that I hadn't let myself be alone for quite some time. And I think that's good. I don't want to be alone quite yet. Although with the Lord walking with me and a lot of the time lately-carrying me. I know I am truly never alone. Today in church a song came in and the lyrics said "I'm running to your arms Lord". When I heard this I though of my happy place and pictured me as a little girl running into the arms of my Heavenly Father". It's a good place to be.
I have been taught that when we can't handle a situation or we are sad we are suppose to go to a happy place. My happy place is a place I dream about sometimes. Whenever I go to my happy place my grandma Beverly is there hanging laundry on the line or picking fruit in an orchard in a huge field with a giant mountain in the background. You may think I'm crazy
but it's what I picture Heaven to be like

I hung out with another guy today for the first time since the divorce. Not a date or anything. Just a guy who is a friend. And I felt so guilty like I was cheating on my husband and then. I realized: 1: I am divorced (almost)2:this guy is a friend and you are not even on a date 3: if it was a date it would be okay. I wonder when that feeling of being guilty or like i am cheating will go away. The whole time we were hanging out I found myself comparing him an everything he did to my ex. Is that normal?? I saw a tree with someone's initials carved into them and about lost it remembering that somewhere on Mt. Graham my initials are carved into a tree next to my ex husbands, but I held my composure. It's little things like that- they get me like a slap in the face and I never know when they are coming. I have learned it's okay to cry and heal like a normal person. my friend Sarah was crying so hard for me about my divorce and I told her to stop crying. She told me I don't always have to be so strong :). But sometimes I can't help it. I am just a tough stubborn cookie.

For halloween this year i was suppose to carve pumpkins with a friend but we are dorks and went to buy pumpkins on Halloween night. The whole city was sold out. We even called stores desperately trying to ind some. So Instead we made a girls night out of it an just chatted about life and love and everything in between. I also got a cute Halloween package from my aunt and got to wear my super awesome skull socks. Good choice aunt t. I am obsessed with skulls lately. Check out the awesome pumpkin my nephew made. That kid is the cutest! and on a side note... this week me and Kristin finally got our caps and gowns for graduation in December! Whoop! So excited!


Since its the beginning of the month. I wanted to make a new goals list:
-finish classes strong
-save money
-no soda,caffeine,alcohol
-finish uploading all pics to snapfish
-Be happy and thankful everyday!

Life is happening whether I am happy or not and I CHOOSE to be happy an surround myself with happy people. I love my life and my God and my friends and my family. I am learning new things and meeting new people and I really think I am starting to see life in a different way than ever before.