Mommy to the rescue!

I have been journaling whats going on, that way I can' vent an eventually reflect on my journey....Here's what I want to share so far.

September 23,2012

We woke up this morning and I gave my husband a book that I had gotten him for our anniversary, but had been left on a shelf to collect dust. It is called the Love Dare. I asked him, to read it with me, and take 40 days out of our lives to spend in prayer and this book and see if it brings us closer and how we feel. He said "It doesn't matter, because I am not in love with you anymore." I said, so there is no chance for anything at all, your done. He said "Yes, no chance, has been done for awhile."I really don't see how he could have been one for awhile. We have had a lot of fun recently and done a lot together, happily I thought. He should move to Hollywood, hes a damn good actor. After that I started crying uncontrollably. I ran downstairs and grabbed the picture frame that has pictures of us and all the places we want to go together. I threw it and yelled. He tried to comfort me and I told him not to touch me. I didn’t want to be near someone so cold hearted We went to church but I told him not to sit near me. When the offering plate and prayer requests came by, I wrote a prayer request for his heart and mine. It is not where it should be, I know that people have differences and people fight, and marriage is hard, but divorce is not okay with me. I don't believe in it. I believe you have to work hard at it some days and you have to go through some trials. When you commit to someone you commit for life. If they are down you pick them up, if you need help you ask. You don't pretend for 9 months. I was there though in those 9 months, and there wasn't pretending. At church I rededicated my life to Christ. I know I haven't been living the best life that I could be living, I haven't been putting him first in all that he should have been. I haven't prayed as hard as I should have, I have made mistakes but I am human. I love church. It makes you feel so good. I felt so much peace there with the Lord. The church we go to is called Victory Fellowship. It was my husband’s sisters church, but I am not going to stop going there. My mom came and picked me up after church- or more like rescued me. She helped me pack some things and move out of mine and his room, I couldn't be in there anymore.

 To my mom: Thanks for being my guardian Angel and swooping in and pulling me out of a bad situation. I know parents want to protect their children from everything, and you have protecting me and gave me strength and courage when I could not have it for myself.

I went to Safford with my mom. And spent all day with friends and family. If you are ever going through something hard, don't try and be alone. Surround yourself with love and you will eventually have the strength to get on with things.

Thanks to Billie Jo an Jackie-I don't know what I would have done without you guys that day. You have both been through what I am going through. There is a saying about Scars. Scars show that we have been hurt; they show that we got through it, and they show that we have empathy. Thanks for showing me empathy an letting me know that it is going to be OK.

That night I spend hanging out with my little brother and sister. They are the best. They made me laugh and smile and kept me from being alone with my thoughts. I didn't want to think. Didn't want to remember. Just wanted to be a Zombie. Thanks for letting me be a zombie when I needed to be.

September 24. 2012

I spent all morning with my dad. My wonderful amazing dad. He is by far the most amazing man in the world. I think he is crying harder than me over this divorce. He hates for his children to hurt. Before I married my husband, there were issues with his family. My dad called him, and yelled at him, and told him to put me first, and either marry me or don't marry me, but to make a commitment. He told my dad he would marry me, and commit to me. To my dad, my husband did the most unthinkable thing you could do. He left, he promised me, he promise my family that he would commit. Commitment and Vows don't mean anything to him. A vow made before God means nothing. I don't understand it, any of it.

I spent the day in my mom’s classroom. She teaches kindergarten. Children amaze me. They have so much love. I didn't even know these children, but they hugged me and loved me and made me smile. One little boy, in particular just came and sat by me silently. I think some children have a 6th sense. They can feel someone hurting. They can comfort in ways that no one else can, just by being there. Some days I really want to be a teacher. I want to be around children and I love being silly and crazy an teaching them everything. But for now, I think I am still sticking to Child Life. I love kids, and kids in the hospital need all the love and silliness they can get. Poor loves.

That night, my mom met my friend Alysa and I half way between my moms house and Tucson. Alysa is one of those people that will say what you are really thinking, because you are too afraid to say it out loud. I love her for his. I still hadn't yelled or screamed at the top of my lungs (at this point). I hadn’t pointed blame on anyone but myself. Alysa yelled for me, and gave me plenty of points of blame for this divorce, and none of them fell on me. Alysa-Thanks for being YOU!

When I got home, my soon-to-be-ex acted as if nothing happened and was happily playing video games. I hate that he is so stone cold about this. I want to see some damn tears. Is that too much to ask for 5 years??? One little tear? One little show of emotion. Was I that horrible of a wife, of a person to be around? No, there's that blame again. Don't want to go there.

If you are married- I recommend this book :)