Happy One week breakup/divorce anniversary. I can't even say the word divorce out loud. It hurts to badly. One week ago I woke up in love and today I am waking up after a horrible night of throwing up. I am so sick from all of this. I am so sick of everyone telling me what to get out of the divorce and to do this and do that. I don't care what I get. I lost the love of my life...does anything else matter?
I am in love with reading www.rockstarronan.com. I started reading the blog two days before my husband made his divorce announcement. How can I care about this divorce and be sad about it when Maya lost her son. He suffered and he was in pain, and she couldn't heal him and God didn't cure him. My heart will cure, my suffering is nothing in comparison to hers and her families.Her child is gone forever. People are not replaceable. My problems seem so small when I read her blog and feel her pain. I hate trying to fight with my husband about things. Let him have everything, I already have nothing. People keep telling my to try and get alimony- Why? We barely made it by on bills month to month, and he agreed to take all of the debt. I am fine with that. I just want a place to live until I can afford a new apartment. I also got my car. my husband paid half the deprecation and my mom refinanced it for me. Thanks mom. YOU ROCK!
Tonight Heather sent me a text and asked me to go out for drinks. She even came and picked me so that I could drink if I wanted.Heather is one of those people that makes you forget your problems. She is so peppy and happy. Hanging out with her really picked up my spirits. We went to no anchovies and got pizza and beer. She made me eat pizza. Good friends make you eat when they know you cant. Emily met up with us and then we went to 1702 where Heather's husband works. Its a cute little pizza place with seriously 100's of beers to choose from. I got tipsy and maybe a little drunk. It felt good. I was worried about drinking during this hard time. I was afraid that I would turn into an emotional wreck with alcohol in the mix. But I didn't. Emily's boyfriend met up too. He is a silent guy, but so perfect for Emily. They all made it a good night. They helped me remember things I never liked about my ex. I don't want anyone to dislike my ex and I understand we have mutual friends and for that reason I don't give all the details, and I dont wish anything bad to come of him. Part of me still loves him, but remembering what I dont like, sure helps.
I came home and slept the best night yet since the D word. I slept for a whopping 4 hours! It felt amazing. The best part about not sleeping is my quiet mornings with my coffee, my God and my Bible. Before the world is awake and I can sit on my porch in peace and really feel the spirit. Its amazing. Its powerful. And I wouldn't be making it through without these moments.
September 29,2012
Today is the first football game that my ex-hole (new name for husband) could make it to, so he got the tickets. Punk. I woke up and he was already drinking a beer and playing video games by 10 o'clock. What an awesome adventure he is about to have in life (as I roll my eyes). I told him I am not moving out, I don't have money too. He decided to retaliate by calling his friends with me in earshot and talk badly about me. Phrases like "dude she wont leave" and "you saw me at the wedding, i was a wreck " Ex-hole has told people various reasons for why this divorce is happening. And there are many versions and many people have came to me with information about him on trips and things he has said to them in the past year. I will keep those private since I still am decent person and either way, this divorce is something he is set on. I also know that he is hurting inside. Somewhere there has to be hurt. I know that I did not live in a loveless marriage the last 2 and a half years as he is pretending it to be. I am not going to bash him on this blog, I simply do not have the heart to. I am going to say that I know more than he thinks I know and I do know that its a good thing this marriage is ending while I am only 25 with no kids, rather than 30 with 2 kids. This whole divorce has shown me true character of him.He doesn't know how to put his wife first and .He gave up on marriage after 2 and a half years for not one legitimate reason. After hearing him talk on the phone to all these people... I had to get out of the house.
I went to the mall and started walking around. In and out of stores. I was back in zombie mode. I must have gone in and out of the same stores a dozen times. I remember people saying "welcome back." even though I didn't recollect going into those stores in the first place. I also decided to be nice to people. Everyone I saw. Who knows what battles others are struggling with. At least mine will not define me and kill me. I stopped at every vendor trying to sell things and let them give me their sells speech. I got my hair straitened by the hair straitening company, got lotion massaged on my hands, talked to a dozen cell phone stands. I didn't buy anything of course but my heart is hurting to bad to make anyone else feel even a little bit sad. I indulged them in their attempts to sell me ridiculous things I will never use. I hate being a zombie. It comes and goes. When I get into zombie mode I feel paralyzed. Like I am moving but its not me moving. Its some other girl. And I am just watching her live my life.
After being a zombie for hours an walking in and out of stores and going vendor to vendor something inside of me snapped. I wanted to do something crazy. I always wanted another tattoo. But ex-hole was so against them. Even though it was my body. My friend has a tattoo that says "follow your bliss". I really liked that, but that was hers. I text her and told her I was going to go get a tattoo. She said as a friend she is going to make me wait on it :). That's how you know a good friend. They make smart decisions for you when you can't. I turned around in the mall and saw a Claire's store. Then I remembered. I always wanted my cartlidge on my ear pierced. I went into the store and got it done. Just like that. I had a crowd of people surrounding me, because of course everyone wants to watch a girl get something pierced. I told them that this was my freedom piercing from my husband and the start of my new life. I had a crowd of about 10 people and after I got it done they all clapped for me. I think women have the most amazing power to empower other women. Ten strangers in the mall made my day by cheering me on in my new life. Theres the love of a stranger again.
I met up with Minou for the afternoon and we went over to Heather's to look at her apartment. Its where I am thinking of leasing. I like it for the most part. They just don't have any move in specials. Damn. We went to 1702 to hang out before the game. The game ex-hole got to go to. Boo for him. After the game it was this amazing game at our friends' house.I don't remember what its called, but its like wii. Its this video game without controllers. You just use your body. It was so weird. I am only 25 years old and technology freaks me out. I am a paperback book kind of girl. But this was a really fun game. Just creepy at how it detects you. KINECT! Thats what its called. When I finally get money and a job and a place to live, I am getting one of those!
September 30, 2012
I am going to keep all the nasty details of everything that goes on in my divorce private. Ex-hole has done things that are not characteristic of the man I love and that's what hurts the most. Its the creepiest feeling to wake up in a house with a man who you have been with for over 5 years, and not know them at all. It is scary to not know someone you thought you knew. I can't even describe it. I never want to date again. I think its so scary to not know whats going on in someones head. For 9 months I had a husband pretending to be happy and he was really somewhere else. He travels for work, and I think his mind has been traveling for 9 months while his body is here. He has adventure when he travels.He has girls all around when he travels. He told me that he is meeting girls that have qualities I don't have and that's how he fell out of love with me.I am not going to blame myself because I think I am pretty awesome and I need to stop blaming myself when I am the one who wanted to work on things. He also could not mention what these qualities were that other women had. He said he didn't leave me for another women, but he did. Even if she doesn't exist yet. He is leaving me for a woman in his mind that fits into his perfect bubble, someone he has dreamed up in his head. Someone who gets to raise children with him and grow old with him.Someone who gets what I was promised I am so disgusted that I thought I was in a happy marriage, naming our future children and planning on growing old together, while the whole time he was off hanging out with other girls and dreaming of a life without me. I am studying Family Studies and Human Development. In my classes we always learn that men who travel for work cheat and usually end up divorced. I told my husband this and he always promised I had nothing to worry about. Shame on me for believing him.
I spend the morning walking with the girls. Its good to be around those girls. They let me be a zombie and they let me know its okay to be mad. I don't know if I am more mad about being fooled by ex-hole or by my divorce. They keep telling me to look on the positive side. There's always a positive side.
Heres my positive side so far:
I can finally get a little scooter
I can travel ( Im thinking Spain)
I can be my hippie self without ex-hole teasing me
I can get a puppy
I can get a tattoo
I can buy Organic Milk ( I bought it once and ex-hole said it was weird)
We don't have children
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