October 6,2012
I am spending the weekend with the kid that I nanny for. Last night Aidan stayed over at a friends house and Anna and I decided to have a girls night. We got dolled up and went out to a semi-fancy dinner at Zin-burger. There was a candle, so we decided it was fancy. As we were at the restaurant I took the time to look around at the men there. It is going to be hard to date again. I am way to picky and I hate dating. So many men smoke or are not attractive or are balding. My husband was balding too, but that was something that came with the package of who he was, it was something I could live with.
This morning I took Anna and her friend to the park. We started talking about babies, because Anna's friend just got a new brother. She asked me if I wanted kids and I told her that I did. Anna said that I am getting a divorce so now its going to take awhile for me to have kids. Her friend said "DeAnna you are only 25, you are too young to have kids or be married, plus your beautiful so I know you will get married again." I was like YOUR 8! How do you have so much wisdom?!? I can listen to people all I want and think what I want about my life plan and stress about how I wanted to have kids by 27 and it was all part of the plan. But, when an 8 year old puts life in perspective for you, its time to take a step back and look at the bigger picture.
I will get married again one day, and I know that there is love out there. Its just scary to even think about now. One of ex-holes friends emailed me last night saying that they were so sorry, and that my ex was an idiot and this is so out of character for him. They also told me that I was amazing and it was his loss. Another mutual friend said that we can now go guy shopping together haha. I need to start listening to these people and realize that I am amazing. This wasn't my fault. I did everything I could. I am a good person.
I heard this quote today on a movie that we were watching. "If you avoid all the places you went with someone, the world will get really small." When my ex asked me for a divorce he assumed that I was just going to run back to NYC. At first, I considered it. Then I considered moving home. And then I realized. This is my home. Tucson is where I have made my life for the last 5 and a half years. I couldn't stay on campus the other day because he works there, and so many parts of campus have memories of us. Places we used to meet for lunch, places he showed me that he liked. His office, which is right by the library, which is practically my second home. Its hard to be there, but I have to graduate and I have to learn to be there. I need new memories to make up for the ones we had in certain places. Last weekend during the football game I kept thinking of all the games I went to with him and all fun times with friends tailgaiting. I lost it in the restaraunt while watching the game, that I should have been at with him. We have so many memories around Tucson, from restaurants to stores - and everything in between This town is where we fell in love and made a life. I am going to make new memories in all of these places and learn to live through it. I can do it. I don't know if I will be able to watch certain movies for awhile. Serendipity was our movie. For Christmas last year he got me the book Love in the Time of Cholera and he wrote his number in it. I'm going to miss things like that. I got him the movie "UP" last year, and wrote him a note that said thanks for the adventure. Movies are going to be hard. Movie nights with popcorn. Those are memories I cherish. Those are our memories together that will stay with me and be the hardest to replace.
I have a lot of peace today. Kids keep me at peace with everything. God keeps me at peace. I slept 8 hours last night. Its a miracle. Peace is here and I hope it stays.
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