Good Friends, Shopping and Glimpses of a man I used to know

September 25, 2012.

My husband and I carpool to work. Its how our schedules arearranged. I also don't have a parking pass at the university. When he asked ifI wanted to ride with him, I said yes of course. What I really wanted to say isHOW COME YOU ARE SUCH A JERK YOU BIPOLAR ASS!

We had planned a brunch with mutual friends this weekend. He saidI could go. We also had the matter of our season football tickets to deal with.When he said he wanted a divorce, I think he thought I would run back to NYC.He didn't realize that divorce breaks up friends, families and lives. He alsocalled and cancelled my credit card today. Reported it stolen. I use that cardfor gas and food. We should have discussed this first. So angry at all thecontrol he has and that I have let him have over my life.

 I told him not to tell some people in his office until I hadthe chance to talk to them. These were my friends for the past few years too.This is my life. My life is in Tucson. He can't just take that away like he istaking away everything else. I was waiting to meet with Emily and Heather forlunch. While waiting for them, a girl from my husbands office walked by. Sheasked if I was happy to have him back from South America. I busted into tearsand yelled, "NO BECAUSE HE IS FREAKING DIVORCING ME." Poor girl, shedidn't know what happened. And she doesn't know me that well. But she startedcrying for me and gave me a hug. She expressed that she is sorry and that he isa jerk. I love that. When almost complete strangers show they care. It makes mefeel like the world isn't all bad.

When Heather and Emily came, I couldn't talk. I was nervous thatthey had already known. As I found out earlier, many people in ourlives had known what was on my husbands mine, they knew what was coming for mebefore I could even see it in my husbands eyes. I feel so sick that thesepeople know as I was dotting around as a cute little housewife talking aboutfuture plans of children and trips and growing old together. Makes me so sick.If Heather and Emily were two of those people who had known, I would loose it.They were not just my husband’s coworkers, but my friends, good friends. ThankGod; they were in complete shock. They were and are 100 percent there for me. Icouldn't be happier. They let me know that we are friends, just because theywork with my husband doesn't mean anything about our friendship. Heather isa newlywed. My husband and I went to her wedding. It was over our two yearwedding anniversary. At this time, he had already been thinking about divorce.I am so sick that he has been thinking it, for so long, at night I lay and playout the last few years of our lives and really don't see where it went wrong.Iam so thankful for Heather and Emily. They have really and truly gone out oftheir way to make me feel better and show me the true meaning of friendship.What amazing people I have in my life.

\My husband and I have a shared google.docs that has all of ouraccount information. Including passwords, how much we owe on certain things...etc.He is the owner and I am just a shared person. I went to log in and he hadtaken me off. Of course  I was outraged by this. I text and called himtelling me to put me back on an he ignored me. I cannot tell you how weird itfeels to suddenly feel you have no control over your life.

That evening I called the credit card company, because my husbandsaid he closed our joint account with a zero balance and I normally would havebelieved him, but not with how tricky he has been lately. They told me that hehad really reported my card lost or stolen and had new cards sent to hisoffice. What a sneaky little butt he is!.Two can play at this game. I neverwent shopping for myself. I always tried to save money, only to have him spendit on himself in the end. I went to target and here's what I got, and I hadproper justifications for EVERYTHING! :)

New underwear (Since I don't want the same ones I wore around him)

I needed a fancy expensive Bill Organizer since he took me off ofhis

Fuzzy Socks- Its going to be a cold and lonely winter

A silk Robe-Since I can't walk around naked anymore

Large pack of gum (Going back into the dating world is going to behard without fresh breath)

Brand new Makeup -i am not 20 anymore, gotta cover wrinkles fromthis divorce

Clothes for Fall and for my interview (which i really needed to behonest)

A new Bra

Lots of Snacks, since its hard to eat a whole meal

Bouquet of flowers- I figure He owed me this since hehasn't bought me any for awhile.

And many more random things, I didn't know when he was goingto cut me off of bank account and I had no money to my name. That's scary. Whathappened to that independent girl I used to Be?

Of course when I got home he was livid. O'well, He shouldn't havetaken me off google.docs

My husband and I got in a fight. Finallyemotion. It’s all I wanted. He yelled at me and said that I had never loved himand he never loved me. I think he was trying to hurt me. It didn't work. I knowhim better than anyone. The best part was, when he was yelling at me, I saw aglimpse of that man that I used to know. The man I fell in love with. The manfrom years ago. I wish I could reach inside of him and pull his old self out.Sometimes I feel like grabbing him and shaking him back to life. But he’s gone,slipped away behind that wall. Over the past few days I see little glimpses ofhim. The him I know and love. It is hard because he will be like that forawhile, and then its as if a little devil is on hisshoulder whispering things to him an he is gone again. Back into thestone face.