On September 21, I came home an my husband was sitting at the table. He looked as though someone had died. I asked him what was wrong an he said " I am unhappy and I have been for months" I was like WHAT?!! is this a joke!?!?! He said "no" an that he wants a divorce. Of course I was hysterical and shaking and crying. How could he have been unhappy???? What signs did I miss? We did everything together, from barbecues- to cuddling on the couch to bringing each other coffee in bed. That was me there in those memories with him right?? I couldn't stand. The worst part was that my husband was just sitting there calmly as if he hadn't just turned my world upside down. We sat on the couch for awhile, me balling my eyes out and him just sitting there. I was asking him to please please please explain to me. What did I do? Did I not pack his lunch every day an care for him in every way that a wife should? He said we should eat and he made some dinner and we drank some wine that he had brought back from his latest trip. I couldn't eat. Physically could not put food in my mouth. I had never had that feeling before then. My husband asked me what was wrong. REALLY ASSHOLE! Wrong question. What the hell do you think is wrong? YOU JUST SAID YOU WANT A DIVORCE! He went to bed afterward. I stayed up all night crying, thinking. Playing back every memory of the past year. They were happy memories. There was hugs an kisses an laughs. We took care of each other and texted and whispered sweet nothings to each other. I just didn't get it, any of it. I couldn't be alone with my thoughts. I had promised myself I would finish painting the banister when he was out of town on his last trip but time had gotten away from me. I stayed up all night painting it. Finishing something. Working on every little detail of that banister.
I crawled into bed at about 4 in the morning. My husband rolled over and cuddled me an kissed me. He said everything was going to be okay. Of course in my naive head, I thought this meant he would want to work on things. I woke up to coffee and a hug and a kiss. OK maybe this will be okay in the end. Maybe last night was just a horrible nightmare.He was working on his computer all morning. So I sat deep in prayer and reading the Bible. I threw out a few verses to him about divorce. He just said " well I read the Bible too." I told him God hates divorce. and he just ignored me. I told him, please lets pray about this together and read our Bibles together and go to counseling. Let me have a decision in this!. I asked him for a month at least to work on things.. He just said " I have prayed and read my Bible too" He said I was just looking for verses in the Bible that were against divorce and that's why I was finding those. I am pretty sure there are none for supporting divorce, except for adultery or abuse.So if he feels like its okay from a Bible standpoint, its because his heart is not in the right place, This summer, He couldn't find his Bible, so I found it in the garage, and opened it to proverbs and put it on his pillow for him, he didn't even notice. Which makes me think he couldn't have really been knee deep in bible study and prayer when a few months ago he didn't even know where his bible was.
I went for a walk. A long walk. I walked for hours. I was crying so hard and walking and running that I barely noticed walking in the road and a car swerving toward me. For half a second I wish it would have put me out of my misery. I was listening to my pandora and "Unanswered Prayers." by Tim McGraw came on. I think that was a message from God, telling me to let go an let God. I can pray all I want, but in the end if he doesn't want this marriage, for whatever reason, there is nothing I can do. God is bigger than this divorce, God is bigger than me, or him, he knows something that we don't. When I got home, he was playing video games and laughing, not caring that he is about to get a divorce. Not caring that his wife is in such pain.
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