Buried

Its almost been a month since the news of divorce hit me. I can't believe how fast time flies. My husband left for another trip today, and I am certain it is the last time I will see or talk to him for a very long time. I gave him a letter and for me that letter was letting go of what we had. It is dead. Time for the funeral. Little by little over the last month I have let go of pieces I had of him and our life together. Reliving memories and slowly packing up my beautiful home. I will bury those memories deep in my heart and maybe one day pull them out again. I will not hold any grudges or anger but look at the past as a time of learning and know that I am lucky enough to have experienced young love. I am ready to move on now to bigger brighter things. I am ready to find out whats out there in the world again. I am scared and excited at the same time. When I was 18 and moved to NYC I was terrified, but so excited and sad to leave what I knew in my hometown. I am feeling that same way today. I am scared, but in an excited good way. I have had dreams I always wanted to accomplish but put them on the back burner when I got married. Those dreams are now going to be my priority. I am not going to miss my husband, Its hard to miss someone who doesn't love you, and who you have buried in your mind. From now on I am going to write about my experiences and my daily life, and not about him or what we had. When I was 15 I wrote a letter to myself guessing where I would be in 10 years. Part of the letter said I would be at U of A. :) I'm glad some of my dreams came true.

Burning the Past and Looking toward the future

October 15,2012

This weekend flew by. Started out in Safford on Thursday. Me and my best friend April decided to burn our wedding dresses. She has been divorced since May, and I am just going through it. We have been through everything together, and this was another one of those things that we had to do. My good friend Stephanie also went. She is one of my favorite people. She has a laugh that fills a room and she keeps me smiling through all of this. Mika came and its a good thing, we needed someone responsible there to supervise-love ya sister!

Everyone has been telling me to hold on to stuff from my marriage. I really don't understand WHY? Apparently the whole thing wasn't worth it to him, and he had been wanting out for awhile. Why do I want memories of that. Why hold on to things that I thought of as precious when saw them as nothing. I did save all my pictures to a flash drive in case I ever want to see them again. Other than that, everything is going. I know one day, when I have children they may wonder about the first man I fell in love with and what he looked like and what I looked like being young and in love, so those pictures are there, just in case.

To fuel the bonfire was every rose he ever gave me, included with my wedding bouquet. A teddy bear he gave me for our first valentines day, and a few little mementos of our relationship were also destroyed. My aunt had given us a  sign with our last name on it for our wedding. It was made of wood, so I figured it would be the perfect fire starter. Sorry Aunt T it was a beautiful sign! But I am no longer a Brown.

I know I am smiling in some of these pictures, but that doesn't mean I am super happy about doing this. It is just something I felt I had to do. I loved my wedding dress. I can still remember putting it on and getting butterflies and the fiasco of trying to lace it up. I remember dancing in it, and trying to go to the restroom in it, and now I don't have to look at it. Tonight I heard a George strait song called, Today My World Slipped away. And one of the lines said "We buried the plans that we made." I feel like this divorce is like burying what we had together. That whole song spoke to me. Leave it to George Strait to put my life into writing. :)

The next morning we went to the Fair parade. The fair was the same, the crowd was not. It was the first time I had gone to a parade with my niece and nephew. They were hilarious. Kayden thought the band was the best and was so excited his waving to them looked more like a dance. Kyla thought everything was loud and she kept saying 'it scares me".

Saturday I had my training for Tu Nudito Childrens Services. I am going to be working with children who are experiencing grief and loss, or are going through some kind of illness themselves.  I am so excited to be working there and I'm sure it will be one of those experiences where you learn more from the kids than they learn from you, love those kinds of experiences. We got to sit in on a real group session. The kids are so resilient and so deep when talking about death, I was shocked.  They use play therapy to help them heal. I think that this is one of the best ways for children to learn to get through the grieving process.


Last night I met up with Cara for coffee, which turned into dinner, which let into a movie night which was pretty awesome :) We watched the movie the secret. Its all about how we have the inner power to bring positive things into our life and how by being positive we can attract good. It really made a lot of sense, but at the same time I was careful not to mistake that power for the power of faith and trusting that God will provide us with what we need. I really o think it was cool when they talked about a vision board and visioning what you want to see in your life. I know for a fact that this works. When I was in high school, I made a bucket list of things I wanted to do or have in my life, I kept that list hanging in my room until I graduated high school. I found this list a few months ago in a box my mom gave me that had been in storage. Here are some things from the list that I had done....without even thinking about it....

-Live in NYC ( I always knew that was where I wanted to go)

-Dye my hair black (I did this one crazy night in NYC and died it back the next day :)

-go skydiving (Honeymoon present from husbands parents)

-get married at 23 (Ok that's just weird that I really did get married at 23)

-write a children's book ( I have written a few, just haven't had the guts to show anyone)

-Go to Europe

-buy a house

-get a tattoo

-work with children

-meet a famous person 

-One weird one that I had, and received was to have an old fashioned coat rack (dont ask why I wanted that cause I don't know)and I found one at my parents church, and they said I could have it-years after I had written that list and buried it in storage.

There were a lot more on the list, some that I had done, a few that I haven't, and some that I am wondering if I still even want. Divorce wasn't on that list though. That's for sure. I also wanted a baby at 25. And now, not even close. But my visions are now changing as my life is changing, so here's part of my new list of what I want to come

-graduate college

-buy a house

-learn spanish

-save $50,000

-publish one of my children's books

-Get a puppy

-Go to the Ellen show

-get a red jeep wrangler

-Enjoy being single! and learning to date as a "grown up"

Some smaller things...

-Spend more time in Safford

-invite more friends to church

-LIVE everyday, like there's no tomorrow ;)

-Get a tattoo

I have the most beautiful view from my back porch...I'm gonna miss it

Time ticks on...

I went to lunch with my grandparents this morning. My grandma said that she was 29 with 3 kids, trying to finish college and the same thing happened to her. I couldn't imagine  trying to do college a divorce and kids all at once. Whenever I find it hard to do an assignment or focus in class, I just think of her trying to do it with three kids at home. I heard today of a girl who was married 17 years and her husband sent her a text message ending things. What is wrong with people? Why do humans treat each other so badly?

Sitting in class is hard. Analyzing marriage in class is even harder. Listening to my teacher say that most marriages are doomed is the hardest.Today in class, my teacher asked me. "DeAnna, why aren't you paying attention and why do you look so sad" I lost it in class and started crying and told her that I am going through a divorce and a marriage and family class is the most horrible class to be in right now. She felt really, extremely bad. Maybe ill get an A :) We learned about social exchange theory. How we all have a comparison level to which we base relationships on, and our expectations come from experiences. My husband is experiencing a life all around the world and is surrounded by people with careers and achievements. I am sitting at home, spending his money, and haven't even graduated college. According to social exchange  I was a cost to him and he was comparing me to all those other girls he was meeting. 

It's officially legally on paper started. The D word. Tonight we filed the paper work. Well he filed and I signed off that I have received everything. I was staring at him filling out paperwork so happily as if this was just a regular day. The more I stared at him, the more I realized what a little petty man he is. Not someone of good character by any means.I realized how little he really thinks of marriage or the commitment that comes with it. I never thought he was that good looking, I just thought his personality brought out his looks ya know? But the personality I once thought I loved is gone. He is a coward and a liar. Someone once asked me if I ever was worried about him trading me in because of his obsession with having everything new. I laughed years ago when I heard this. However, this morning when he told me he was thinking of getting an even bigger TV than the one he has, that thought came back into my head. He always has to have the new IPHONE, TV, Surround sound. Always looking for whats new, or whats to come. I should have known he wouldn't be satisfied with the same wife forever. He will always be looking for something shiny instead of polishing what he already has. In a way that makes me feel sorry for him. 

October 11,2012

I am now sitting outside of class. I have a paper due at 3:30, guess what the topic is? "Measuring satisfaction in a marriage.". I honestly had a hard time trying to start it. This semester is filled with papers like this. My friend Kristin really helped me out. She has been my life saver at school this semester. Filling in for me what I need to know, and what I have missed. We have most classes together and she has really helped me out. I met Kristin last year in the introductory class to our major. We found out we both wanted to be Child Life Specialist and we were both two of the "older" people in college so we hit it off right away. Today we were talking about a year ago. A year ago her whole family lived here and not they are all gone, and she is living alone. Something she never expected.  A year ago I had just found the beautiful house that I am now having to leave. I remember finding that house and falling in love with wooden staircase. I was so excited to decorate it for fall this year. I recently bought fall leaves and white lights that I was going to wrap down the banister. I wish I had money to keep the house. I loved that house.

Kristin and I decided to interrupt our studying and head to No anchovies to watch the baseball game.  I am going for the Giants, and she is going for the Reds. The score was 0-0 and as soon as we walked into the bar, Giants scored. Kristin decided she was cursed. When the bases were loaded for the giants I told Kristin that the guy at bat was going to hit a grand slam. And guess what?! He did! Kristen decided that hanging out at bars in the middle of the weekday, was not the best idea :) So we went back to studying on campus :)

Beautiful morning

Do you ever feel like God made a morning just for you. I woke up and was sitting on my porch drinking coffee and reading my bible. And it stared sprinkling. Those are my favorite kind of mornings. Soft sprinkles an cool weather. I think fall is here!

8 year old's and Peace

October 6,2012
I am spending the weekend with the kid that I nanny for. Last night Aidan stayed over at a friends house and Anna and I decided to have a girls night. We got dolled up and went out to a semi-fancy dinner at Zin-burger. There was a candle, so we decided it was fancy. As we were at the restaurant I took the time to look around at the men there. It is going to be hard to date again. I am way to picky and I hate dating. So many men smoke or are not attractive or are balding. My husband was balding too, but that was something that came with the package of who he was, it was something I could live with.

This morning I took Anna and her friend to the park. We started talking about babies, because Anna's friend just got a new brother. She asked me if I wanted kids and I told her that I did. Anna said that I am getting a divorce so now its going to take awhile for me to have kids. Her friend said "DeAnna you are only 25, you are too young to have kids or be married, plus your beautiful so I know you will get married again." I was like YOUR 8! How do you have so much wisdom?!? I can listen to people all I want and think what I want about my life plan and stress about how I wanted to have kids by 27 and it was all part of the plan. But, when an 8 year old puts life in perspective for you, its time to take a step back and look at the bigger picture.

I will get married again one day, and I know that there is love out there. Its just scary to even think about now. One of ex-holes friends emailed me last night saying that they were so sorry, and that my ex was an idiot and this is so out of character for him. They also told me that I was amazing and it was his loss. Another mutual friend said that we can now go guy shopping together haha. I need to start listening to these people and realize that I am amazing. This wasn't my fault. I did everything I could. I am a good person.

I heard this quote today on a movie that we were watching. "If you avoid all the places you went with someone, the world will get really small." When my ex asked me for a divorce he assumed that I was just going to run back to NYC. At first, I considered it. Then I considered moving home. And then I realized. This is my home. Tucson is where I have made my life for the last 5 and a half years. I couldn't stay on campus the other day because he works there, and so many parts of campus have memories of us. Places we used to meet for lunch, places he showed me that he liked. His office, which is right by the library, which is practically my second home. Its hard to be there, but I have to graduate and I have to learn to be there. I need new memories to make up for the ones we had in certain places. Last weekend during the football game I kept thinking of all the games I went to with him and all fun times with friends tailgaiting. I lost it in the restaraunt while watching the game, that I should have been at with him. We have so many memories around Tucson, from restaurants to stores - and everything in between This town is where we fell in love and made a life. I am going to make new memories in all of these places and learn to live through it. I can do it. I don't know if I will be able to watch certain movies for awhile. Serendipity was our movie. For Christmas last year he got me the book Love in the Time of Cholera and he wrote his number in it. I'm going to miss things like that. I got him the movie "UP" last year, and wrote him a note that said thanks for the adventure. Movies are going to be hard. Movie nights with popcorn. Those are memories I cherish. Those are our memories together that will stay with me and be the hardest to replace.

I have a lot of peace today. Kids keep me at peace with everything. God keeps me at peace. I slept 8 hours last night. Its a miracle. Peace is here and I hope it stays.

Realizations

OCTOBER 2, 2012

9:17- laying in bed and realizing what I am not loosing out on in this marriage. My whole marriage I felt like I was treated like a kid at times, and not as an equal. My husband would get upset at me for doing something wrong. I always felt like I was going to be in trouble. Marriage shouldn't be like that. Life shouldn't be like that. My brother and his friend came over to move my couch downstairs. Its a huge, heavy couch. They accidentally cratched a little bit of paint on the wall. Walls that I painted no less. I told my husband what happened and that I would fix it tomorrow. Instead of just saying okay, accidents happen like most normal people he threw a fit about it. It brought me back to feeling like I was in trouble. I hate that. When he wrecked my car and drained 1,000 dollars from the bank, did I yell and throw a fit? No, because that's not how marriage or partnerships work. I hate that he makes me feel this way.Not anymore though. Amen to that. This song plays over and over in my head again.This is my song for him and the way he is acting about this divorce.

You have a way of coming easily to me
And when you take, you take the very best of me
So I start a fight cause I need to feel something
And you do what you want cause I'm not what you wanted

[Chorus:]

Oh what a shame, what a rainy ending given to a perfect day
Just walk away, no use defending words that you will never say
And now that I'm sitting here thinking it through
I've never been anywhere cold as you
[ Lyrics from: http://www.lyricsmode.com/lyrics/t/taylor_swift/cold_as_you.html ]
You put up walls and paint them all a shade of gray
And I stood there loving you and wished them all away
And you come away with a great little story
Of a mess of a dreamer with the nerve to adore you

[Chorus]
Oh what a shame, what a rainy ending given to a perfect day
So Just walk away, no use defending words that you will never say
And now that I'm sitting here thinking it through
I've never been anywhere cold as you

You never did give a damn thing honey but I cried, cried for you
And I know you wouldn't have told nobody if I died, died for you, died for you

Oh what a shame, what a rainy ending given to a perfect day
Oh Every smile you fake is so condescending
Counting all the scars you made

Now that I'm sittin here thinkin it all though
I've never been anywhere as cold as youMore lyrics: http://www.lyricsmode.com/lyrics/t/taylor_swift/#share

insomnia

October 4, 2012
What is it about 3:21 in the morning? This seems to be the new wake up time for my internal clock. I wake up feeling like i slept all night. Only to find out I have slept a few hours.Sometimes late at night, or early in the morning I guess it is, I find myself thinking about the future. It is so uncertain, its scary. So scary, but so exciting. I hate the thought of having children with anyone but my husband, and of course thinking of him dating again breaks my heart. I don't want to date again. I hate dating, I like the good stuff after dating when your not shy and scared and nervous and wondering what they are thinking. Of course I thought this marriage was the good stuff....so maybe dating again wont be so bad. I did get hit on today ( I think?) and that was actually a good feeling. Anna and I were talking and a guy's dog got off the leash and ran to us. He came over and got him and then were talked a little. He said "I hope to see you out walking more." But then I saw him walk to his house, and he has a mustang convertible. I don't like guys with convertibles. They are to...whats the word... feminine? Wannabe macho? I don't know, I just feel like cars say a lot about your personality. The next guy I date will have a huge truck. My ex has a little truck. I loved that thing. When he first got it we went driving around and went to dairy queen. He always promise we could go romping in the river in it. We never did. The whole time he had that truck he was thinking about leaving me and secretly unhappy. I can't grasp that, that he was unhappy. I just didn't see it. Nope, he wasn't as unhappy as he is saying. We had fun.

Little by Little

October 3,2012

I am strong. I am so sick of people telling me to run home to my mom and dad an just give up on this life I have created. Sure I created it with ex-hole -but I have friends, memories a job and a life here. I can't just run from it. I have been looking at my future plans. I really need to graduate. That is priority number 1. I also need an adventure. I have always wanted to live in Europe. I am too old and have too much family and friends to run to a foreign country and never return. But, I think a summer abroad would be good for my soul.I have been thinking Spain. I always wanted to learn Spanish. I am good at speaking it, and understanding it, but to be fluent would be amazing. 

I had lunch today with my granny and papa. They are the sweetest people. They took me to Denny's and made sure I was eating a lot. I have already lost 12 pounds in this dang divorce. (Again trying to be positive).   I spent the whole day with my little loves-the kids I nanny. I have been watching them for 5 years. Can you believe how time flies??? They make my worries go away an make the world seem so simple.While playing monopoly tonight, Anna collected all three of the orange colored properties. It made her day. Ahh the simple things in life that bring me back to earth. I wish I could get excited about something so small. Instead I am worrying about my future/bills/credit/divorce/life!  I heard this song on the radio coming home. I hope all the little loves in my life never have to deal with the pain and heartache that I am dealing with.

October 4, 2012

Tonight I started packing up all of my stuff in the kitchen. So much stuff I have and now it is just going to sit in storage. Ex-hole came home and we started joking about who is keeping what. We were laughing and teasing one another. He was back, the guy I used to know. It only lasted a minute, but there he was. I could see pain in his eyes and I could for a minute, see the man I love.  I told him that I forgive him for doing this to our marriage an to me, and that I am not angry. My sister told me that God said we are only suppose to carry anger for a day, and then give it to God. I have no anger toward my ex for what he did. I will let God deal with it in his own way. I am learning to forgive an let go. I have no hate toward him in my heart whatsoever  Its done, it's gone and I will continue to pray for him every day and pray for the man he will turn out to be and pray that he never causes any other woman the pain that I have had to feel.

The thing about pain is, that I have experienced so much of it. When I was young, I had so many relatives die. My cousin Kaci died when I was 5, then my grandma the next year, followed by more grandparents in the years to come. I was blessed to be born  with most of my great grandparents and all of my grandparents, and both of my parents come from divorced homes, so you can imagine how many I have had. I have grieved many losses. My friend getting hit by a car when we were little, another friend being killed when we were 16 in a car accident. Loosing another friend to cancer.  Death is such a part of life for me. Some people that I talk to say that they have never even been to a funeral. I am wondering more and more if God has allowed me to have this pain and knowledge of death my whole life so that I can help others. I just got offered a position working with children as a grief counselor. I think that with everything I have been through, I will be able to relate to them and help them get through the tough days that they face. God must know what he is doing up there :). Without going through all the loss in my life, I wouldn't have the empathy or the heart or compassion to work in this field that I am in.

New Month

October 1, 2012-New Month, New Me, New Life, LETS GO!

Happy birthday big brother Daniel! Today my big brother turns 28. He is my hero. My protector. My friend. Thanks brother for always being there. I know I can count on you for anything.

Today is the first of the month. I decided that I am going to make goals and accomplish them within this next month. I am going to be a fighter and a strong woman. I am going to thrive an live and do everything on my own. I am the most independent person, or at least I was before I was caged up by a man. Well free bird is back.

Here are a list of October Goals:
Find a second Job
Find an apartment
Eat healthier
Go to Gym 3 times a week
No missing class
No feeling sorry for myself

Tonight my husband told me that he never cheated on me. He said that another married woman on the trip tried to get him to and he did nothing. He said he told her he couldn't because he was still married. IS THAT SUPPOSE TO MAKE ME FEEL BETTER?!?! He said when he goes on trips he doesn't miss me. I think that's because he isn't sitting here in an empty house alone. He also said he gets annoyed when he is on trips and I text him and bother him. That hurts. I only text him a few times and always just say "Hope you are having fun". I think those texts bug him because he was feeling guilty about something. I just don't get it.

OK new goal in October-don't mope about ex-hole. I was mostly with him for his personality. Which is gone to me now. I feel like there is a stranger living in Ex-holes body. The man I knew would never, ever hurt me or give up on us like this.

October 2, 2012
Men are mean. That is all.

A walk on the positive side

September 28, 2012
Happy One week breakup/divorce anniversary. I can't even say the word divorce out loud. It hurts to badly. One week ago I woke up in love and today I am waking up after a horrible night of throwing up. I am so sick from all of this. I am so sick of everyone telling me what to get out of the divorce and to do this and do that. I don't care what I get. I lost the love of my life...does anything else matter?

I am in love with reading www.rockstarronan.com. I started reading the blog two days before my husband made his divorce announcement. How can I care about this divorce and be sad about it when Maya lost her son. He suffered and he was in pain, and she couldn't heal him and God didn't cure him. My heart will cure, my suffering is nothing in comparison to hers and her families.Her child is gone forever. People are not replaceable. My problems seem so small when I read her blog and feel her pain. I hate trying to fight with my husband about things. Let him have everything, I already have nothing. People keep telling my to try and get alimony- Why? We barely made it by on bills month to month, and he agreed to take all of the debt. I am fine with that. I just want a place to live until  I can afford a new apartment. I also got my car. my husband paid half the deprecation and my mom refinanced it for me. Thanks mom. YOU ROCK!

Tonight Heather sent me a text and asked me to go out for drinks. She even came and picked me so that I could drink if I wanted.Heather is one of those people that makes you forget your problems. She is so peppy and happy. Hanging out with her really picked up my spirits. We went to no anchovies and got pizza and beer. She made me eat pizza. Good friends make you eat when they know you cant. Emily met up with us and then we went to 1702 where Heather's husband  works. Its a cute little pizza place with seriously 100's of beers to choose from. I got tipsy and maybe a little drunk. It felt good. I was worried about drinking during this hard time. I was afraid that I would turn into an emotional wreck with alcohol in the mix. But I didn't. Emily's boyfriend met up too. He is a silent guy, but so perfect for Emily. They all made it a good night. They helped me remember things I never liked about my ex. I don't want anyone to dislike my ex and  I understand we have mutual friends and for that reason I don't give all the details, and I dont wish anything bad to come of him. Part of me still loves him, but remembering what I dont like, sure helps.

I came home and slept the best night yet since the D word. I slept for a whopping 4 hours! It felt amazing. The best part about not sleeping is my quiet mornings with my coffee, my God and my Bible. Before the world is awake and I can sit on my porch in peace and really feel the spirit. Its amazing. Its powerful. And I wouldn't be making it through without these moments.


September 29,2012
Today is the first football game that my ex-hole (new name for husband) could make it to, so he got the tickets. Punk. I woke up and he was already drinking a beer and playing video games by 10 o'clock. What an awesome adventure he is about to have in life (as I roll my eyes). I told him I am not moving out, I don't have money too. He decided to retaliate by calling his friends with me in earshot and talk badly about me. Phrases like "dude she wont leave" and "you saw me at the wedding, i was a wreck " Ex-hole has told people various reasons for why this divorce is happening. And there are many versions and many people have came to me with information about him on trips and things he has said to them in the past year. I will keep those private since I still am decent person and either way, this divorce is something he is set on. I also know that he is hurting inside. Somewhere there has to be hurt. I know that I did not live in a loveless marriage the last 2 and a half years as he is pretending it to be. I am not going to bash him on this blog, I simply do not have the heart to. I am going to say that I know more than he thinks I know and I do know that its a good thing this marriage is ending while I am only 25 with no kids, rather than 30 with 2 kids. This whole divorce has shown me true character of him.He doesn't know how to put his wife first and .He gave up on marriage after 2 and a half years for not one legitimate reason. After hearing him talk on the phone to all these people... I had to get out of the house.

I went to the mall and started walking around. In and out of stores. I was back in zombie mode. I must have gone in and out of the same stores a dozen times. I remember people saying "welcome back." even though I didn't recollect going into those stores in the first place.  I also decided to be nice to people. Everyone I saw. Who knows what battles others are struggling with. At least mine will not define me and kill me. I stopped at every vendor trying to sell things and let them give me their sells speech.  I got my hair straitened by the hair straitening company, got lotion massaged on my hands, talked to a dozen cell phone stands. I didn't buy anything of course but my heart is hurting to bad to make anyone else feel even a little bit sad. I indulged them in their attempts to sell me ridiculous things I will never use. I hate being a zombie. It comes and goes. When I get into zombie mode I feel paralyzed. Like I am moving but its not me moving. Its some other girl. And I am just watching her live my life.


After being a zombie for hours an walking in and out of stores and going vendor to vendor something inside of me snapped. I wanted to do something crazy. I always wanted another tattoo. But ex-hole was so against them. Even though it was my body. My friend  has a tattoo that says "follow your bliss". I really liked that, but that was hers. I text her and told her I was going to go get a tattoo. She said as a friend she is going to make me wait on it :). That's how you know a good friend. They make smart decisions for you when you can't. I turned around in the mall and saw a Claire's store. Then I remembered. I always wanted my cartlidge on my ear pierced. I went into the store and got it done. Just like that. I had a crowd of people surrounding me, because of course everyone wants to watch a girl get something pierced. I told them that this was my freedom piercing from my husband and the start of my new life. I had a crowd of about 10 people and after I got it done they all clapped for me. I think women have the most amazing power to empower other women. Ten strangers in the mall made my day by cheering me on in my new life. Theres the love of a stranger again.



I met up with Minou for the afternoon and we went over to Heather's to look at her apartment. Its where I am thinking of leasing.  I like it for the most part. They just don't have any move in specials. Damn. We went to 1702 to hang out before the game. The game ex-hole got to go to. Boo for him. After the game it was this amazing game at our friends' house.I don't remember what its called, but its like wii. Its this video game without controllers. You just use your body. It was so weird. I am only 25 years old and technology freaks me out. I am a paperback book kind of girl. But this was a really fun game. Just creepy at how it detects you. KINECT! Thats what its called. When I finally get money and  a job and a place to live, I am getting one of those!

September 30, 2012
I am going to keep all the nasty details of everything that goes on in my divorce private. Ex-hole has done things that are not characteristic of the man I love and that's what hurts the most. Its the creepiest feeling to wake up in a house with a man who you have been with for over 5 years, and not know them at all. It is scary to not know someone you thought you knew. I can't even describe it. I never want to date again. I think its so scary to not know whats going on in someones head. For 9 months I had a husband pretending to be happy and he was really  somewhere else. He travels for work, and I think his mind has been traveling for 9 months while his body is here. He has adventure when he travels.He has girls all around when he travels. He told me that he is meeting girls that have qualities I don't have and that's how he fell out of love with me.I am not going to blame myself because I think I am pretty awesome and I need to stop blaming myself when I am the one who wanted to work on things. He also could not mention what these qualities were that other women had. He said he didn't leave me for another women, but he did. Even if she doesn't exist yet. He is leaving me for a woman in his mind that fits into his perfect bubble, someone he has dreamed up in his head. Someone who gets to raise children with him and grow old with him.Someone who gets what I was promised I am so disgusted that I thought I was in a happy marriage, naming our future children and planning on growing old together, while the whole time he was off hanging out with other girls and dreaming of a life without me. I am studying Family Studies and Human Development. In my classes we always learn that men who travel for work cheat and usually end up divorced. I told my husband this and he always promised I had nothing to worry about. Shame on me for believing him.

I spend the morning walking with the girls. Its good to be around those girls. They let me be a zombie and they let me know its okay to be mad. I don't know if I am more mad about being fooled by ex-hole or by my divorce. They keep telling me to look on the positive side. There's always a positive side.
Heres my positive side so far:
I can finally  get a little scooter
I can travel ( Im thinking Spain)
I can be my hippie self without ex-hole teasing me
I can get a puppy
I can get a tattoo
I can buy Organic Milk ( I bought it once and ex-hole said it was weird)
We don't have children

What happened to Miss Independent?

September 27, 2012

My dear friend Cara and I had coffee this morning. Surrounding myself with people I love is what I have to do. I can't survive otherwise. I haven't eaten in days, and while I don't recommend divorce to anyone, its a hell of a diet, 10 pounds in less than a week. At least something good is coming out of this. Cara is one of my friends who helps me to remember to be true to myself. A few months ago my husband said I couldn't get a puppy. Cara said "What kind of asshole wont let you get a puppy, you should divorce him." Those words come back to haunt me, but in a good way. Why didn't I just go and get one? I had a yard, I had time. But I also had a controlling husband. Why did I turn into one of those girls that let a guy tell her what to do? I am not that girl. I also did my first independent thing today. Cara and I went to the bank and I opened my own checking account. I didn't have money to put in it, but its a start. Its my own.

Throughout the start of this divorce process people keep yelling in my ear, do this, don't do that. I don't even care. All I want is my independence back. I have always been to stubborn to take help from anyone, or money from a man. I have always done my own thing and somewhere along the way, I lost that when I got married. I don't need a man. I need me. I am a fighter, I am a survivor and I am weak right now, but God is strong for me. Every day I pray for God to be near me. I ask for wisdom an courage and strength. There is a verse in the Bible that sticks with me every day. It is psalms 34:18. 'The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit'. Throughout the past 6 days, I have been crushed and confused and hurt and torn. I have somehow been peaceful though. I know that is God. There is no way a woman in my position would be able to stay sane otherwise. My brother Dathan is the go to guy for knowing anything and everything about the Bible. He studied in it, majored in it, and lives it daily. When he found out about the divorce he started reading scriptures to make me feel better. He also said " DeAnna, your amazing and your husband is not." Thanks twin brother for making me feel good. I LOVE YOU!

In August (When my husband knew about this divorce coming up) that butt had asked me if I wanted a parking pass to my car. I said no because we carpool and could save the money. Today I went and got my own parking pass. It was $336 dollars.He was mad once again. But doesn't he need to help me out a little? Geez. After that I am pretty sure he cancelled my debit card.  I am so upset that he could be married to me and supporting me through school and then the next day be like, Sorry i'm done.

Standing Ground

September 26, 2012

That butt which I still have to claim as a husband came home with boxes for me. Said he would give me 400 dollars for a new place to live. I told him I wasn't leaving. I HAVE NO MONEY AND THIS IS MY DAMN HOUSE.  He asked if I could just go stay with someone. I told him he could. He just got mad. I don't think its fair that I have to leave, and uproot in the middle of my senior semester of college. I don't want to be around him, but truth is, I don't have money to get a new place and 400 dollars is a joke. I make 500 dollars a month. I told him I would try and find a place. I am trying. I think I found somewhere to go. But I don't know how badly I want to. I know that legally if I leave, its abandonment. He said he hasn't talked to a lawyer. But he is being tricky. I can tell something else is going on. Why does he need me out so badly? I picked out this house. I found it randomly online the day it went on the market. I planted the trees and painted the walls. And now I have to get out because my husband is too much of a coward to face marriage. Life is unfair.

Good Friends, Shopping and Glimpses of a man I used to know

September 25, 2012.

My husband and I carpool to work. Its how our schedules arearranged. I also don't have a parking pass at the university. When he asked ifI wanted to ride with him, I said yes of course. What I really wanted to say isHOW COME YOU ARE SUCH A JERK YOU BIPOLAR ASS!

We had planned a brunch with mutual friends this weekend. He saidI could go. We also had the matter of our season football tickets to deal with.When he said he wanted a divorce, I think he thought I would run back to NYC.He didn't realize that divorce breaks up friends, families and lives. He alsocalled and cancelled my credit card today. Reported it stolen. I use that cardfor gas and food. We should have discussed this first. So angry at all thecontrol he has and that I have let him have over my life.

 I told him not to tell some people in his office until I hadthe chance to talk to them. These were my friends for the past few years too.This is my life. My life is in Tucson. He can't just take that away like he istaking away everything else. I was waiting to meet with Emily and Heather forlunch. While waiting for them, a girl from my husbands office walked by. Sheasked if I was happy to have him back from South America. I busted into tearsand yelled, "NO BECAUSE HE IS FREAKING DIVORCING ME." Poor girl, shedidn't know what happened. And she doesn't know me that well. But she startedcrying for me and gave me a hug. She expressed that she is sorry and that he isa jerk. I love that. When almost complete strangers show they care. It makes mefeel like the world isn't all bad.

When Heather and Emily came, I couldn't talk. I was nervous thatthey had already known. As I found out earlier, many people in ourlives had known what was on my husbands mine, they knew what was coming for mebefore I could even see it in my husbands eyes. I feel so sick that thesepeople know as I was dotting around as a cute little housewife talking aboutfuture plans of children and trips and growing old together. Makes me so sick.If Heather and Emily were two of those people who had known, I would loose it.They were not just my husband’s coworkers, but my friends, good friends. ThankGod; they were in complete shock. They were and are 100 percent there for me. Icouldn't be happier. They let me know that we are friends, just because theywork with my husband doesn't mean anything about our friendship. Heather isa newlywed. My husband and I went to her wedding. It was over our two yearwedding anniversary. At this time, he had already been thinking about divorce.I am so sick that he has been thinking it, for so long, at night I lay and playout the last few years of our lives and really don't see where it went wrong.Iam so thankful for Heather and Emily. They have really and truly gone out oftheir way to make me feel better and show me the true meaning of friendship.What amazing people I have in my life.

\My husband and I have a shared google.docs that has all of ouraccount information. Including passwords, how much we owe on certain things...etc.He is the owner and I am just a shared person. I went to log in and he hadtaken me off. Of course  I was outraged by this. I text and called himtelling me to put me back on an he ignored me. I cannot tell you how weird itfeels to suddenly feel you have no control over your life.

That evening I called the credit card company, because my husbandsaid he closed our joint account with a zero balance and I normally would havebelieved him, but not with how tricky he has been lately. They told me that hehad really reported my card lost or stolen and had new cards sent to hisoffice. What a sneaky little butt he is!.Two can play at this game. I neverwent shopping for myself. I always tried to save money, only to have him spendit on himself in the end. I went to target and here's what I got, and I hadproper justifications for EVERYTHING! :)

New underwear (Since I don't want the same ones I wore around him)

I needed a fancy expensive Bill Organizer since he took me off ofhis

Fuzzy Socks- Its going to be a cold and lonely winter

A silk Robe-Since I can't walk around naked anymore

Large pack of gum (Going back into the dating world is going to behard without fresh breath)

Brand new Makeup -i am not 20 anymore, gotta cover wrinkles fromthis divorce

Clothes for Fall and for my interview (which i really needed to behonest)

A new Bra

Lots of Snacks, since its hard to eat a whole meal

Bouquet of flowers- I figure He owed me this since hehasn't bought me any for awhile.

And many more random things, I didn't know when he was goingto cut me off of bank account and I had no money to my name. That's scary. Whathappened to that independent girl I used to Be?

Of course when I got home he was livid. O'well, He shouldn't havetaken me off google.docs

My husband and I got in a fight. Finallyemotion. It’s all I wanted. He yelled at me and said that I had never loved himand he never loved me. I think he was trying to hurt me. It didn't work. I knowhim better than anyone. The best part was, when he was yelling at me, I saw aglimpse of that man that I used to know. The man I fell in love with. The manfrom years ago. I wish I could reach inside of him and pull his old self out.Sometimes I feel like grabbing him and shaking him back to life. But he’s gone,slipped away behind that wall. Over the past few days I see little glimpses ofhim. The him I know and love. It is hard because he will be like that forawhile, and then its as if a little devil is on hisshoulder whispering things to him an he is gone again. Back into thestone face.

Mommy to the rescue!

I have been journaling whats going on, that way I can' vent an eventually reflect on my journey....Here's what I want to share so far.

September 23,2012

We woke up this morning and I gave my husband a book that I had gotten him for our anniversary, but had been left on a shelf to collect dust. It is called the Love Dare. I asked him, to read it with me, and take 40 days out of our lives to spend in prayer and this book and see if it brings us closer and how we feel. He said "It doesn't matter, because I am not in love with you anymore." I said, so there is no chance for anything at all, your done. He said "Yes, no chance, has been done for awhile."I really don't see how he could have been one for awhile. We have had a lot of fun recently and done a lot together, happily I thought. He should move to Hollywood, hes a damn good actor. After that I started crying uncontrollably. I ran downstairs and grabbed the picture frame that has pictures of us and all the places we want to go together. I threw it and yelled. He tried to comfort me and I told him not to touch me. I didn’t want to be near someone so cold hearted We went to church but I told him not to sit near me. When the offering plate and prayer requests came by, I wrote a prayer request for his heart and mine. It is not where it should be, I know that people have differences and people fight, and marriage is hard, but divorce is not okay with me. I don't believe in it. I believe you have to work hard at it some days and you have to go through some trials. When you commit to someone you commit for life. If they are down you pick them up, if you need help you ask. You don't pretend for 9 months. I was there though in those 9 months, and there wasn't pretending. At church I rededicated my life to Christ. I know I haven't been living the best life that I could be living, I haven't been putting him first in all that he should have been. I haven't prayed as hard as I should have, I have made mistakes but I am human. I love church. It makes you feel so good. I felt so much peace there with the Lord. The church we go to is called Victory Fellowship. It was my husband’s sisters church, but I am not going to stop going there. My mom came and picked me up after church- or more like rescued me. She helped me pack some things and move out of mine and his room, I couldn't be in there anymore.

 To my mom: Thanks for being my guardian Angel and swooping in and pulling me out of a bad situation. I know parents want to protect their children from everything, and you have protecting me and gave me strength and courage when I could not have it for myself.

I went to Safford with my mom. And spent all day with friends and family. If you are ever going through something hard, don't try and be alone. Surround yourself with love and you will eventually have the strength to get on with things.

Thanks to Billie Jo an Jackie-I don't know what I would have done without you guys that day. You have both been through what I am going through. There is a saying about Scars. Scars show that we have been hurt; they show that we got through it, and they show that we have empathy. Thanks for showing me empathy an letting me know that it is going to be OK.

That night I spend hanging out with my little brother and sister. They are the best. They made me laugh and smile and kept me from being alone with my thoughts. I didn't want to think. Didn't want to remember. Just wanted to be a Zombie. Thanks for letting me be a zombie when I needed to be.

September 24. 2012

I spent all morning with my dad. My wonderful amazing dad. He is by far the most amazing man in the world. I think he is crying harder than me over this divorce. He hates for his children to hurt. Before I married my husband, there were issues with his family. My dad called him, and yelled at him, and told him to put me first, and either marry me or don't marry me, but to make a commitment. He told my dad he would marry me, and commit to me. To my dad, my husband did the most unthinkable thing you could do. He left, he promised me, he promise my family that he would commit. Commitment and Vows don't mean anything to him. A vow made before God means nothing. I don't understand it, any of it.

I spent the day in my mom’s classroom. She teaches kindergarten. Children amaze me. They have so much love. I didn't even know these children, but they hugged me and loved me and made me smile. One little boy, in particular just came and sat by me silently. I think some children have a 6th sense. They can feel someone hurting. They can comfort in ways that no one else can, just by being there. Some days I really want to be a teacher. I want to be around children and I love being silly and crazy an teaching them everything. But for now, I think I am still sticking to Child Life. I love kids, and kids in the hospital need all the love and silliness they can get. Poor loves.

That night, my mom met my friend Alysa and I half way between my moms house and Tucson. Alysa is one of those people that will say what you are really thinking, because you are too afraid to say it out loud. I love her for his. I still hadn't yelled or screamed at the top of my lungs (at this point). I hadn’t pointed blame on anyone but myself. Alysa yelled for me, and gave me plenty of points of blame for this divorce, and none of them fell on me. Alysa-Thanks for being YOU!

When I got home, my soon-to-be-ex acted as if nothing happened and was happily playing video games. I hate that he is so stone cold about this. I want to see some damn tears. Is that too much to ask for 5 years??? One little tear? One little show of emotion. Was I that horrible of a wife, of a person to be around? No, there's that blame again. Don't want to go there.

If you are married- I recommend this book :)

The beginning of the end

On September 21, I came home an my husband was sitting at the table. He looked as though someone had died. I asked him what was wrong an he said " I am unhappy and I have been for months" I was like WHAT?!! is this a joke!?!?! He said "no" an that he wants a divorce. Of course I was hysterical and shaking and crying. How could he have been unhappy???? What signs did I miss? We did everything together, from barbecues- to cuddling on the couch to bringing each other coffee in bed. That was me there in those memories with him right?? I couldn't stand. The worst part was that my husband was just sitting there calmly as if he hadn't just turned my world upside down. We sat on the couch for awhile, me balling my eyes out and him just sitting there. I was asking him to please please please explain to me. What did I do? Did I not pack his lunch every day an care for him in every way that a wife should? He said we should eat and he made some dinner and we drank some wine that he had brought back from his latest trip. I couldn't eat. Physically could not put food in my mouth. I had never had that feeling before then. My husband asked me what was wrong. REALLY ASSHOLE! Wrong question. What the hell do you think is wrong? YOU JUST SAID YOU WANT A DIVORCE! He went to bed afterward. I stayed up all night crying, thinking. Playing back every memory of the past year. They were happy memories. There was hugs an kisses an laughs. We took care of each other and texted  and whispered sweet nothings to each other. I just didn't get it, any of it. I couldn't be alone with my thoughts. I had promised myself I would finish painting the banister when he  was out of town on his last trip but time had gotten away from me. I stayed up all night painting it. Finishing something. Working on every little detail of that banister.

I crawled into bed at about 4 in the morning. My husband rolled over and cuddled me an kissed me. He said everything was going to be okay. Of course in my naive head, I thought this meant he would want to work on things. I woke up to coffee and a hug and a kiss. OK maybe this will be okay in the end. Maybe last night was just a horrible nightmare.He was working on his computer all morning. So I sat deep in prayer and reading the Bible. I threw out a few verses to him about divorce. He just said " well I read the Bible too." I told him God hates divorce. and he just ignored me. I told him, please lets pray about this together and read our Bibles together and go to counseling. Let me have a decision in this!. I asked him for a month at least to work on things.. He just said " I have prayed and read my Bible too" He said I was just looking for verses in the Bible that were against divorce and that's why I was finding those. I am pretty sure there are none for supporting divorce, except for adultery or abuse.So if he feels like its okay from a Bible standpoint, its because his heart is not in the right place, This summer, He couldn't find his Bible, so I found it in the garage, and opened it to proverbs and put it on his pillow for him, he didn't even notice. Which makes me think he couldn't have really been knee deep in bible study and prayer when a few months ago he didn't even know where his bible was.

I went for a walk. A long walk. I walked for hours. I was crying so hard and walking and running that I barely noticed walking in the road and a car swerving toward me. For half a second I wish it would have put me out of my misery. I was listening to my pandora and "Unanswered Prayers." by Tim McGraw came on. I think that was a message from God, telling me to let go an let God. I can pray all I want, but in the end if he doesn't want this marriage, for whatever reason, there is nothing I can do. God is bigger than this divorce, God is bigger than me, or him, he knows something that we don't.  When I got home, he was playing video games and laughing, not caring that he is about to get a divorce. Not caring that his wife is in such pain.

Start of Something new

I have never been into blogging. Never had the courage to let other people see my feelings/thoughts/hopes and dreams. It wasn't until I read a blog called www.rockstarronan.com that I realized that maybe my words can be there to help someone. Even if it is just one person to heal at a time of need, than I have made a purpose in this world. I also didn't keep a record of the past 5 years of my life. I have been in Tucson, with the same guy and sure we have pictures, but I didn't write down thoughts/memories or any of the in betweens. Now that he has left me, I am thinking it is probably a good thing I don't have too much written down for memory. It will be much easier to forget this chapter. Every chapter in our life teaches us. I think that this chapter has taught me to put God first in everything, and make sure I am secure in every decision I make. There were times over the last 5 years that I wanted to do something and I wouldn't. Things as simple as getting a manicure or going and getting my hair done, were hard for me.And I didn't, I didn't because I was afraid my husband wouldn't like the hair color or he said we didn't have the money. I wasn't living for me every day. I was living for my husband. In theory, I guess its good to live for someone else, but not if you aren't truly happy on the inside.

Leaving on a jet plane

I feel like I was on an airplane. Headed to one destination. Everything was planned. House, car, barbecues, careers, future kids named. It was perfect. When my husband decided one day to say he was done, my airplane crash landed. I never made it to Paris. Instead I am stuck in Amsterdam  I don't know the language, the people or the culture. But I have not choice other than to make it in this life that has appeared out of nowhere. It is chaos. It is strange, but I am here and I will do the best I can.