Buried

Its almost been a month since the news of divorce hit me. I can't believe how fast time flies. My husband left for another trip today, and I am certain it is the last time I will see or talk to him for a very long time. I gave him a letter and for me that letter was letting go of what we had. It is dead. Time for the funeral. Little by little over the last month I have let go of pieces I had of him and our life together. Reliving memories and slowly packing up my beautiful home. I will bury those memories deep in my heart and maybe one day pull them out again. I will not hold any grudges or anger but look at the past as a time of learning and know that I am lucky enough to have experienced young love. I am ready to move on now to bigger brighter things. I am ready to find out whats out there in the world again. I am scared and excited at the same time. When I was 18 and moved to NYC I was terrified, but so excited and sad to leave what I knew in my hometown. I am feeling that same way today. I am scared, but in an excited good way. I have had dreams I always wanted to accomplish but put them on the back burner when I got married. Those dreams are now going to be my priority. I am not going to miss my husband, Its hard to miss someone who doesn't love you, and who you have buried in your mind. From now on I am going to write about my experiences and my daily life, and not about him or what we had. When I was 15 I wrote a letter to myself guessing where I would be in 10 years. Part of the letter said I would be at U of A. :) I'm glad some of my dreams came true.

Burning the Past and Looking toward the future

October 15,2012

This weekend flew by. Started out in Safford on Thursday. Me and my best friend April decided to burn our wedding dresses. She has been divorced since May, and I am just going through it. We have been through everything together, and this was another one of those things that we had to do. My good friend Stephanie also went. She is one of my favorite people. She has a laugh that fills a room and she keeps me smiling through all of this. Mika came and its a good thing, we needed someone responsible there to supervise-love ya sister!

Everyone has been telling me to hold on to stuff from my marriage. I really don't understand WHY? Apparently the whole thing wasn't worth it to him, and he had been wanting out for awhile. Why do I want memories of that. Why hold on to things that I thought of as precious when saw them as nothing. I did save all my pictures to a flash drive in case I ever want to see them again. Other than that, everything is going. I know one day, when I have children they may wonder about the first man I fell in love with and what he looked like and what I looked like being young and in love, so those pictures are there, just in case.

To fuel the bonfire was every rose he ever gave me, included with my wedding bouquet. A teddy bear he gave me for our first valentines day, and a few little mementos of our relationship were also destroyed. My aunt had given us a  sign with our last name on it for our wedding. It was made of wood, so I figured it would be the perfect fire starter. Sorry Aunt T it was a beautiful sign! But I am no longer a Brown.

I know I am smiling in some of these pictures, but that doesn't mean I am super happy about doing this. It is just something I felt I had to do. I loved my wedding dress. I can still remember putting it on and getting butterflies and the fiasco of trying to lace it up. I remember dancing in it, and trying to go to the restroom in it, and now I don't have to look at it. Tonight I heard a George strait song called, Today My World Slipped away. And one of the lines said "We buried the plans that we made." I feel like this divorce is like burying what we had together. That whole song spoke to me. Leave it to George Strait to put my life into writing. :)

The next morning we went to the Fair parade. The fair was the same, the crowd was not. It was the first time I had gone to a parade with my niece and nephew. They were hilarious. Kayden thought the band was the best and was so excited his waving to them looked more like a dance. Kyla thought everything was loud and she kept saying 'it scares me".

Saturday I had my training for Tu Nudito Childrens Services. I am going to be working with children who are experiencing grief and loss, or are going through some kind of illness themselves.  I am so excited to be working there and I'm sure it will be one of those experiences where you learn more from the kids than they learn from you, love those kinds of experiences. We got to sit in on a real group session. The kids are so resilient and so deep when talking about death, I was shocked.  They use play therapy to help them heal. I think that this is one of the best ways for children to learn to get through the grieving process.


Last night I met up with Cara for coffee, which turned into dinner, which let into a movie night which was pretty awesome :) We watched the movie the secret. Its all about how we have the inner power to bring positive things into our life and how by being positive we can attract good. It really made a lot of sense, but at the same time I was careful not to mistake that power for the power of faith and trusting that God will provide us with what we need. I really o think it was cool when they talked about a vision board and visioning what you want to see in your life. I know for a fact that this works. When I was in high school, I made a bucket list of things I wanted to do or have in my life, I kept that list hanging in my room until I graduated high school. I found this list a few months ago in a box my mom gave me that had been in storage. Here are some things from the list that I had done....without even thinking about it....

-Live in NYC ( I always knew that was where I wanted to go)

-Dye my hair black (I did this one crazy night in NYC and died it back the next day :)

-go skydiving (Honeymoon present from husbands parents)

-get married at 23 (Ok that's just weird that I really did get married at 23)

-write a children's book ( I have written a few, just haven't had the guts to show anyone)

-Go to Europe

-buy a house

-get a tattoo

-work with children

-meet a famous person 

-One weird one that I had, and received was to have an old fashioned coat rack (dont ask why I wanted that cause I don't know)and I found one at my parents church, and they said I could have it-years after I had written that list and buried it in storage.

There were a lot more on the list, some that I had done, a few that I haven't, and some that I am wondering if I still even want. Divorce wasn't on that list though. That's for sure. I also wanted a baby at 25. And now, not even close. But my visions are now changing as my life is changing, so here's part of my new list of what I want to come

-graduate college

-buy a house

-learn spanish

-save $50,000

-publish one of my children's books

-Get a puppy

-Go to the Ellen show

-get a red jeep wrangler

-Enjoy being single! and learning to date as a "grown up"

Some smaller things...

-Spend more time in Safford

-invite more friends to church

-LIVE everyday, like there's no tomorrow ;)

-Get a tattoo

I have the most beautiful view from my back porch...I'm gonna miss it

Time ticks on...

I went to lunch with my grandparents this morning. My grandma said that she was 29 with 3 kids, trying to finish college and the same thing happened to her. I couldn't imagine  trying to do college a divorce and kids all at once. Whenever I find it hard to do an assignment or focus in class, I just think of her trying to do it with three kids at home. I heard today of a girl who was married 17 years and her husband sent her a text message ending things. What is wrong with people? Why do humans treat each other so badly?

Sitting in class is hard. Analyzing marriage in class is even harder. Listening to my teacher say that most marriages are doomed is the hardest.Today in class, my teacher asked me. "DeAnna, why aren't you paying attention and why do you look so sad" I lost it in class and started crying and told her that I am going through a divorce and a marriage and family class is the most horrible class to be in right now. She felt really, extremely bad. Maybe ill get an A :) We learned about social exchange theory. How we all have a comparison level to which we base relationships on, and our expectations come from experiences. My husband is experiencing a life all around the world and is surrounded by people with careers and achievements. I am sitting at home, spending his money, and haven't even graduated college. According to social exchange  I was a cost to him and he was comparing me to all those other girls he was meeting. 

It's officially legally on paper started. The D word. Tonight we filed the paper work. Well he filed and I signed off that I have received everything. I was staring at him filling out paperwork so happily as if this was just a regular day. The more I stared at him, the more I realized what a little petty man he is. Not someone of good character by any means.I realized how little he really thinks of marriage or the commitment that comes with it. I never thought he was that good looking, I just thought his personality brought out his looks ya know? But the personality I once thought I loved is gone. He is a coward and a liar. Someone once asked me if I ever was worried about him trading me in because of his obsession with having everything new. I laughed years ago when I heard this. However, this morning when he told me he was thinking of getting an even bigger TV than the one he has, that thought came back into my head. He always has to have the new IPHONE, TV, Surround sound. Always looking for whats new, or whats to come. I should have known he wouldn't be satisfied with the same wife forever. He will always be looking for something shiny instead of polishing what he already has. In a way that makes me feel sorry for him. 

October 11,2012

I am now sitting outside of class. I have a paper due at 3:30, guess what the topic is? "Measuring satisfaction in a marriage.". I honestly had a hard time trying to start it. This semester is filled with papers like this. My friend Kristin really helped me out. She has been my life saver at school this semester. Filling in for me what I need to know, and what I have missed. We have most classes together and she has really helped me out. I met Kristin last year in the introductory class to our major. We found out we both wanted to be Child Life Specialist and we were both two of the "older" people in college so we hit it off right away. Today we were talking about a year ago. A year ago her whole family lived here and not they are all gone, and she is living alone. Something she never expected.  A year ago I had just found the beautiful house that I am now having to leave. I remember finding that house and falling in love with wooden staircase. I was so excited to decorate it for fall this year. I recently bought fall leaves and white lights that I was going to wrap down the banister. I wish I had money to keep the house. I loved that house.

Kristin and I decided to interrupt our studying and head to No anchovies to watch the baseball game.  I am going for the Giants, and she is going for the Reds. The score was 0-0 and as soon as we walked into the bar, Giants scored. Kristin decided she was cursed. When the bases were loaded for the giants I told Kristin that the guy at bat was going to hit a grand slam. And guess what?! He did! Kristen decided that hanging out at bars in the middle of the weekday, was not the best idea :) So we went back to studying on campus :)

Beautiful morning

Do you ever feel like God made a morning just for you. I woke up and was sitting on my porch drinking coffee and reading my bible. And it stared sprinkling. Those are my favorite kind of mornings. Soft sprinkles an cool weather. I think fall is here!

8 year old's and Peace

October 6,2012
I am spending the weekend with the kid that I nanny for. Last night Aidan stayed over at a friends house and Anna and I decided to have a girls night. We got dolled up and went out to a semi-fancy dinner at Zin-burger. There was a candle, so we decided it was fancy. As we were at the restaurant I took the time to look around at the men there. It is going to be hard to date again. I am way to picky and I hate dating. So many men smoke or are not attractive or are balding. My husband was balding too, but that was something that came with the package of who he was, it was something I could live with.

This morning I took Anna and her friend to the park. We started talking about babies, because Anna's friend just got a new brother. She asked me if I wanted kids and I told her that I did. Anna said that I am getting a divorce so now its going to take awhile for me to have kids. Her friend said "DeAnna you are only 25, you are too young to have kids or be married, plus your beautiful so I know you will get married again." I was like YOUR 8! How do you have so much wisdom?!? I can listen to people all I want and think what I want about my life plan and stress about how I wanted to have kids by 27 and it was all part of the plan. But, when an 8 year old puts life in perspective for you, its time to take a step back and look at the bigger picture.

I will get married again one day, and I know that there is love out there. Its just scary to even think about now. One of ex-holes friends emailed me last night saying that they were so sorry, and that my ex was an idiot and this is so out of character for him. They also told me that I was amazing and it was his loss. Another mutual friend said that we can now go guy shopping together haha. I need to start listening to these people and realize that I am amazing. This wasn't my fault. I did everything I could. I am a good person.

I heard this quote today on a movie that we were watching. "If you avoid all the places you went with someone, the world will get really small." When my ex asked me for a divorce he assumed that I was just going to run back to NYC. At first, I considered it. Then I considered moving home. And then I realized. This is my home. Tucson is where I have made my life for the last 5 and a half years. I couldn't stay on campus the other day because he works there, and so many parts of campus have memories of us. Places we used to meet for lunch, places he showed me that he liked. His office, which is right by the library, which is practically my second home. Its hard to be there, but I have to graduate and I have to learn to be there. I need new memories to make up for the ones we had in certain places. Last weekend during the football game I kept thinking of all the games I went to with him and all fun times with friends tailgaiting. I lost it in the restaraunt while watching the game, that I should have been at with him. We have so many memories around Tucson, from restaurants to stores - and everything in between This town is where we fell in love and made a life. I am going to make new memories in all of these places and learn to live through it. I can do it. I don't know if I will be able to watch certain movies for awhile. Serendipity was our movie. For Christmas last year he got me the book Love in the Time of Cholera and he wrote his number in it. I'm going to miss things like that. I got him the movie "UP" last year, and wrote him a note that said thanks for the adventure. Movies are going to be hard. Movie nights with popcorn. Those are memories I cherish. Those are our memories together that will stay with me and be the hardest to replace.

I have a lot of peace today. Kids keep me at peace with everything. God keeps me at peace. I slept 8 hours last night. Its a miracle. Peace is here and I hope it stays.

Realizations

OCTOBER 2, 2012

9:17- laying in bed and realizing what I am not loosing out on in this marriage. My whole marriage I felt like I was treated like a kid at times, and not as an equal. My husband would get upset at me for doing something wrong. I always felt like I was going to be in trouble. Marriage shouldn't be like that. Life shouldn't be like that. My brother and his friend came over to move my couch downstairs. Its a huge, heavy couch. They accidentally cratched a little bit of paint on the wall. Walls that I painted no less. I told my husband what happened and that I would fix it tomorrow. Instead of just saying okay, accidents happen like most normal people he threw a fit about it. It brought me back to feeling like I was in trouble. I hate that. When he wrecked my car and drained 1,000 dollars from the bank, did I yell and throw a fit? No, because that's not how marriage or partnerships work. I hate that he makes me feel this way.Not anymore though. Amen to that. This song plays over and over in my head again.This is my song for him and the way he is acting about this divorce.

You have a way of coming easily to me
And when you take, you take the very best of me
So I start a fight cause I need to feel something
And you do what you want cause I'm not what you wanted

[Chorus:]

Oh what a shame, what a rainy ending given to a perfect day
Just walk away, no use defending words that you will never say
And now that I'm sitting here thinking it through
I've never been anywhere cold as you
[ Lyrics from: http://www.lyricsmode.com/lyrics/t/taylor_swift/cold_as_you.html ]
You put up walls and paint them all a shade of gray
And I stood there loving you and wished them all away
And you come away with a great little story
Of a mess of a dreamer with the nerve to adore you

[Chorus]
Oh what a shame, what a rainy ending given to a perfect day
So Just walk away, no use defending words that you will never say
And now that I'm sitting here thinking it through
I've never been anywhere cold as you

You never did give a damn thing honey but I cried, cried for you
And I know you wouldn't have told nobody if I died, died for you, died for you

Oh what a shame, what a rainy ending given to a perfect day
Oh Every smile you fake is so condescending
Counting all the scars you made

Now that I'm sittin here thinkin it all though
I've never been anywhere as cold as youMore lyrics: http://www.lyricsmode.com/lyrics/t/taylor_swift/#share

insomnia

October 4, 2012
What is it about 3:21 in the morning? This seems to be the new wake up time for my internal clock. I wake up feeling like i slept all night. Only to find out I have slept a few hours.Sometimes late at night, or early in the morning I guess it is, I find myself thinking about the future. It is so uncertain, its scary. So scary, but so exciting. I hate the thought of having children with anyone but my husband, and of course thinking of him dating again breaks my heart. I don't want to date again. I hate dating, I like the good stuff after dating when your not shy and scared and nervous and wondering what they are thinking. Of course I thought this marriage was the good stuff....so maybe dating again wont be so bad. I did get hit on today ( I think?) and that was actually a good feeling. Anna and I were talking and a guy's dog got off the leash and ran to us. He came over and got him and then were talked a little. He said "I hope to see you out walking more." But then I saw him walk to his house, and he has a mustang convertible. I don't like guys with convertibles. They are to...whats the word... feminine? Wannabe macho? I don't know, I just feel like cars say a lot about your personality. The next guy I date will have a huge truck. My ex has a little truck. I loved that thing. When he first got it we went driving around and went to dairy queen. He always promise we could go romping in the river in it. We never did. The whole time he had that truck he was thinking about leaving me and secretly unhappy. I can't grasp that, that he was unhappy. I just didn't see it. Nope, he wasn't as unhappy as he is saying. We had fun.